Soon to be a Divorcée

Andrew and I are getting a divorce

Not a shocker, the kid never helped with chores, couldn't keep a job and is gay AF. (I meant that with a humorous flippant tone)

Our marriage of 7.75  years ended in September when I decided to move out of our little apartment we shared with our boyfriends. Andrew, Coy, Jimi and myself shared that little apartment with 4 cats (whom Jimi is hella allergic to, he only slept there when he was in town) for about 2 months before Jimi and I found our place in Pleasant Grove. We are currently living in a little town home just off North County Blvd. We're close to my work, his work and his 2 small children.

A lil' background

Andrew rarely helped with household chores (biggest beef obviously) he wouldn't keep a job, and we hadn't had sex in the last 3 years, no intimacy which meant no closeness. He didn't do anything wrong really, he just didn't try to give me what I said I needed to live out loud through tears over the course of years that I needed help and someone to grow with. For most of our marriage I was either in school or working full time to support us. Andrew worked at the post office for a year straight and that was his longest job. During his time there the only thing I asked of him was to work, I still worked full time and cooked, cleaned, took care of the house etc. When he rage quit his job in June he still refused to do chores, and by November I was out. I told him that would happen, he was still surprised when I asked for a divorce.

Summer of '16 - Winter of '18/'19 I was incredibly depressed, I rarely got out of bed if I didn't have work. I slept those years away enveloped in depression with little glints of happiness and joy shared with friends or family but for most of that time I was lost and so sad. A lot of that had to do with church and the residual feelings I had from it. I took hand fulls every night of antidepressants, beta blockers, and mood stabilizers to stave off symptoms but they only numbed me.

In March last year we opened our marriage, I was 37 and didn't know what good sex was like, the last few times Andrew and I tried it ended in tears because he wasn't into me like that. I had no idea who I was as a woman, or a human being really. Sex is a fundamental part of being human, and we're constantly selling it and shaming it. I'm tired of being shamed for having very natural urges, that most people on earth experience. Also Sex is a HUGE part of a working marriage, I realize that now but was naive to it for many years. In May Andrew ventured out into the gay world and came back with a boyfriend Coy the first weekend. After that it was obvious our dynamic was changing, and our separation was inevitable.

Spirituality

Last year around January I started seeing Emily Thevenin a sexual wholeness educator but also energetic healer and fellow empath. She helped work through and essentially start my spiritual awakening, it was with her that I realized some foundational truths for myself.

1. Only I am responsible for my spirituality
2. I have done nothing wrong
3. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be on my path.

Through Emily I unraveled a lot of negative thought patterns that were keeping me low, self hatred was probably the most shocking to me. I hated myself so much that I would lash out and hurt myself by slapping my face or scratching my arms in a violent fit of rage over something I couldn't control. I would slap my face so hard I couldn't smile for days, that always made me feel so sorrowful for myself. As I did the work to change my programing and think more lovingly and with gratitude instead of a constant barrage of hate speech, I found it easier to cope when I got overwhelmed and I was able to take control of my life and really make some decisions that would affect my life positively.

I've always been drawn into the idea of "witch" but not Wicca or any other religious institutions. My idea of being a witch is that I glean truth from many sources and create my own spiritual path. Yes I make offerings, I make an offering to my higher self every morning and I burn incense for the nature spirits (which I've just begun to sense finally after a year of offerings) its comfortable to me and I have urges to make offerings to planetary bodies and spirits for guidance or just to make my intentions known. It's prayer to me, but with focus. It works for me, and many many others, there is no guilt, shame, or tithing settlements with my path. The most important thing is that it WORKS FOR ME. It doesn't have to work for anyone else, if this is how I access God then that's how i'm gonna do it. Spirituality isn't a one size fits all, it's as unique as a fingerprint and we all have much more power than we realize. I believe in God (or the universe or the source) I don't worship Satan, I love Satan! I also don't really believe in him, just the idea that Satan is the embodiment of mans carnal nature, and one hell of a scapegoat. Also really really love and understand who Jesus is, he came to me during meditation and showed me who he is and it was pretty freaking amazing. SO Jesus is pretty darn rad in my book. 

I started taking online classes with Dr. Carolyn Elliott, she is a shadow integration teacher which is a form of spiritual psychology. She teaches to love all aspects of life even the bad stuff. She is a self proclaimed “hermetic tantric Bodhisattva Appalachian cosmopolitan folk weirdo with a crush on Jesus” and I absolutely love her. I have taken 3 of her courses so far and they have changed my life in the most positive way! I'm so grateful to God for sending her my way, and she has taught me how to tap into my own power and use it. 

I am down to 1/2 pill a night for my depression and only take a thyroid pill and iron. I attribute getting off most of my meds to shadow integration, as it has taught me how to deal with the shit that was causing my outbursts, and helping me heal my chemical imbalances. Variations of shadow work exist all over, this one just spoke to me, I highly recommend it.


Jimi

In July I had prayed for someone I could love and be compatible with on the home front. I wanted to have a cozy home either by myself or sharing with someone new, I find security at home and for the last year or so I've been pretty miserable because I haven't been getting the help and support I needed at home from Andrew.

I met Jimi August 30 and he was what I was looking for! Where did we meet? On Tinder of course. 

Nice, beardy, Scorpio, had a job. He's really got a funky style which I like, and OMG his dancing had me from the get go. It's not even that good, just something about how he moves his body is like suuuuper hot.

He had just moved here from AZ,  he also was going through a divorce at the time we met, but was finalized a few weeks later. He has 2 young boys, 1 and 3, that live with their mom here in Utah and he used to pick them up on weekends to spend time with them at parks all day. Because the divorce was so sudden he didn't have a place to live in Utah, it became apparent that we both needed a new space to cohabit. Especially because he wouldn't bring the kids to the apartment when he stayed there because of reasons but mostly it was because of space. It was getting cold (October at this point) and he needed to find a place to have the kids on the weekends, I wanted to get out of the apartment because Andrew and I were just co-existing at this point. Andrew's boyfriend Coy had moved in already and I had my own room, Andrew had also gotten a second boyfriend at this point and I felt a heavy push to get out. Utah is notoriously expensive for rent and decent places to live, so it made sense for Jimi and I to split the bills. I found this little 3 bedroom townhouse that had seemed like it had been sitting there waiting for us since August. We moved in November 7 and never really looked back, the kids come on the weekends sometimes they sleep over. I turn into "miss Laura" around them, Jimi and I team up to be with the kids, we aren't affectionate in front of them and I'm sure they're a little confused about some rando lady but I try to be supportive of Jimi and give him help when he needs it. He's a fantastic dad, and I'm thrilled to be able to watch him raise his boys, and be a part of their lives even just a little. They're very rambunctious little boys, who have their daddy's soft and tender side. Living with a new human and their tiny humans that aren't yours can be really trying, and it has! But not for lack of love, and kindness and security. I'm scared to let someone into my heart so fast, but it has to happen otherwise I'd just sit on the fence and debate about weather or not I like this man enough to live with him. During the week we're just learning to be a couple, we both work and then come home and chill. Then on the weekends we're run ragged by his toddlers. It's a fantastic set up and I couldn't be happier, I feel like I am learning and growing again finally. 

Jimi and I have no plans to marry, but we're open to the idea. I'm still technically married to Andrew, but we are separated and he's currently living with both his boyfriends and the cats. 




Work
Currently I'm still freelancing for The Hut Group as a photographer/retoucher/stylist and I primarily shoot product, but also style and retouch. They're based out of the UK and recently approved me for another 4 weeks which is great news because winters are horribly slow as a photographer. Also they pay me well (albeit slowly, 30 EOM is a pain in the butt) but they're in transition too so the job isn't really secure, but I'm building my portfolio and getting really invaluable studio experience.


My life is beautiful, I have wanted what I have now for a long time. Andrew and I had a wonderful but hard marriage and I will take the lessons I learn and will continue to grow and become a better person. I'm still getting settled and learning to love a new partner, and relishing in my new lovely life. So no major plans for now, but of course I'll always blog if something big comes up!