The Neighbors
Dec 27, 2018
I sat in an alcove and stared at the Salt Lake Temple shining like a lit wet boulder in the dark, framed by snow on a little clump of trees that I'm hidden away in. In retrospect I regret not taking a picture, that's why I'm there in the first place. The carefully laid bricks create a winding path with leading lines straight to the Temple. Lights stretch on every branch, and fresh snow clings to the branches; its twenty degrees. Even though I'd left the church the previous year, I still love the Temple and I find myself comforted being here. The present situation is becoming dire, as I am in need of a ride home. I'm also having a panic attack, I've left my "friends" I was sobbing and confused, in flight or fight mode. Unfortunately it's been revealed to me the harsh reality that they really are pieces of shit (they kept telling me, I thought they were joking). I was so enamored with these people! In love even! Charming, exotic, fun, young, all the things!
But I digress, my lesson learned, I'm crying alone on the phone with Catherine and the nicest couple walks by and asked if I needed help. "Why yes I do!" I said cheerfully/desperately
July 4th 2018
We live in a little dumpy four plex in Provo. It has it's charms and we've been here for around 3 years, it's one of the only places we can have our kitties so we stay. Andrew is working late that night, I'm in my house dress drinking a dirty Shirley temple (I made that up it was mostly vodka with a cherry) I don't drink often, and it being my 37th birthday I thought I'd celebrate ( because you know, I OWE this to myself). I have no idea how drink, but I grimace through and try to feel buzzed enough to dull the loneliness. Fireworks are going off and I go outside to catch a few, that's when I meet my new neighbors. Newlyweds from Dubai (21 and 25) with complicated back stories, they were the most interesting people I've ever met and I was instantly smitten. New friends?! Happy birthday to me! They tell me they're in school online and at a local college, I'm excited because having fun neighbors sounds like a dream. I only really knew one family that lived here, so the more the merrier.
Wife (omitting names) and I instantly become friends and get super close fast, I see her as a combination of a best friend/daughter-esque, which I shouldn't have given in so easily to my heart I know that now and will never do it again. In August the roommate moves in, he's devout in religion so naturally my heart goes out to him a bit because I know what it's like living a strict religious lifestyle. Honestly in retrospect my gut warned me about them, but my heart overruled as per usual and I fell head over heels in love with these people and wanted to include them in everything Utah and the United States. In my later years I realize that I'm quite patriotic, an american value that's been instilled in us since 1776 I suppose.
The wife is bored here, in Dubai it's a party town, in Provo we have 1 bar ( I think) and it's eclectic, especially on a Sunday night. The 4 of us went one night and they saw drag queens for the first time, I think they were equally excited and a little freaked out. That kind of stuff is illegal in Dubai so it was fun experiencing that with them. The roommate had cheese fries (don't forget religious, so no drinking) he was wearing a blue shirt and I really liked him.
October 2018
Wife and I are close, I will take her places with me (work, or shooting, grocery shopping etc) I like the company and she's so electric and alive I just eat it up. I love that she's herself all the time, and she's mouthy, funny, kinda trashy and nobody I've ever met before.
I LOVE Halloween. Like I live, breathe, eat, decorate this holiday. I've had nightmares that I don't have a costume on Halloween, and have to settle for anything I can find in my closet. Anyway I get invited to a corn maze with free pumpkins and snacks etc. and think the neighbors would love it. So I convince them to go and in my opinion we have fun! Nothing makes me happier than spending time with friends doing things I love. My heart was so full that they gave me their time and attention for this event, I can never get Andrew to come with me to these things. We went to a haunted house in Salt Lake that was amazeballs, I had so much fun doing that. I was able to get a bit closer to the roommate that night, but because I'm married and affectionate, and he's so uber religious I think over time I made him uncomfortable. Honestly, I just loved the kid but he made me super nervous and I couldn't talk to him half the time anyway. My love can be intense, and until someone tells me no I'll just keep going and get attached then it really becomes weird especially if you're not into being super close to a very loud, bubbly chubby chick who brings all the attention to herself. I've always been this way. In the end I was told that I embarrassed the roommate so he never wanted to hang out with me in public, Sorry roommate if I knew you were so bothered by it I would've toned it down for you.
A few days go by and things kinda hit the fan. Wife and husband are having marital issues and I try to talk wife through it. She wants to straight up leave him because of these issues which I wont get into right now. I'm a hopeless romantic and I want things to work out for the best, so I tell her the usual support things "first year is the hardest" "this is normal to have doubts" etc. She doesn't know how to cope with the marriage and the emotional toll its taking on her so she books a ticket last minute and departs to Dubai for a month. I'd do it too, going home strengthens you and gets you back to your roots. I tried to be supportive and I was sad she was leaving and even a little anxious that she wouldn't return. We exchanged forget me not's and she left halfway through October.
Over the course of the month wife was gone, husband and I become better friends (IMO) and again I let myself get to close. I imagined our relationship would be a lot like Rob and I. Rob and his wife J'ness are my besties that live in Scotland currently and when I met the neighbors they had just moved there the week prior. So I assumed the husband and I would have a similar relationship. Andrew and I have a very open relationship, he knows everything I do and vice versa. His life is boring though, all he does is work and write...yawwwn (JK I love this about him)
The husband and I would hang out often and do things together but for some reason, he messed with my emotions. I don't think he does it intentionally. Because I'm an empath I pick up on others emotional state and often it messes with my own. I'm in the process of understanding myself and trying to better my state of being. At the time though, I was a little wild with the emotional things. The husband would consistently tell me what I was feeling spiritually and mentally was bullshit and it's all fake to him, and he hated it when I talked about my spirituality because it made him uncomfortable. I'm a pretty patient person so I respected his opinion wholeheartedly and of course pushed the issue often. I even jokingly told him we were in a past life together, which I kinda believe because of the circumstances and how I knew we'd only be friends for a short time yadda yadda. I told them this from the get go. It's hard not being yourself, trying to hide who you are and how you operate from someone who thinks you're a nut job. I was so enamored with him and his wife that I just pushed all that to the back of my mind, all of that being red flags that I chose to ignore. While wife was away I grew to love husband as a friend but honestly did not trust him. I knew it would come out why I felt that way eventually.
One of the first things we did after wife left was go to Evermore, which is a really odd theme park aimed at RPG gaming crowds. I made the mistake of taking an adderall and a bit of cannabis before going (have not and will not do that again) I think it was to cope with the oddness of this relationship, a poor decision on my part. The two in combination made me a bit weird, I think I was just trying to keep up with him in a way, both husband and wife were into weed and I naturally fell into that grove. It's not my finest moment but it was definitely a moment. As we're walking up to the line I hear my name and it's Summer my old roommate. We had a hard relationship and things ended kinda badly with her mom passing away (we all lived in their home), and we both got married and moved away with in the same year. I think of her often and had wanted to tell her how much I loved her, and how she changed my life. Unfortunately I was really, really out of it and kinda made a scene when I started screaming and crying, gawwwwwwsh I regret that. She may have had an idea of what was happening but if anyone understands it's going to be Summer, sorry Summ. Evermore is super geeky and the next time I go I'm bringing Andrew, I'm pretty sure he'd love that place. I had fun with husband that night, it was unforgettable but very weird.
The month flies by and wife is set to come home right before thanksgiving, husband has booked a ticket the same day she gets home, he leaves for thanksgiving weekend. Wife and I reconnect and we are thick as thieves, I will do anything for her. I love her very much at this point. We have also shared secrets and I know a lot of her drama, some of which her husband does not know about. I'm trying to help her, but shes so into pot and alcohol it's becoming hard for me to be patient and help her adequately. At one point, I had to specifically ask her to be sober when we visited a friend with kids at 11 am. She looked at me like "why would I do that?" and that's when I knew for sure that this was a problem. I know it's not my job, I know I over did it in the loving dept. and I got burned because of it.
Thanksgiving 2018
Andrew and I always make a big thanksgiving meal every year. This is the first year where we had guests! We always invite people over but no one shows, seriously thanksgiving rocked. Andrew, wife, roommate and I all cooked together, remember husband is away for the weekend. I had found some special meat for roommate (religious) to make sure he was included, we ate had fun and watched a movie. It was awesome. I love friends, and that was absolutely wonderful for me. I will hold that memory forever as one of my best thanksgivings. Husband comes back that Sunday and treats me differently, apparently we're no longer friends? I thought at the time he was nervous about seeing his wife or whatever but that's when things start getting weird. I'm getting more and more anxious about being with them, the husband is making me feel uneasy.
December 2018
It was during her absence that I realized how incredibly narcissistic they both were, and the husband was also severely co-dependent and it was too late when I realized. Obviously I'm not a doctor, so I'm not a expert on this topic, but it just seemed that way. By now I had given my heart over and I was in it. I kinda felt around mid-December that they were losing patience with me. I was having a mental crisis because of my actions, recreational cannabis use (abuse in my opinion, I did that to myself) an overactive third eye (causes excessive day dreaming), self esteem issues and eventually leading to a cute nose piercing and succumbing to pressure in the form of an emotional breakdown. I ignored everyone for a few days and it seemed to get better. I thought I could handle them again so I eventually ignored the daily drug and alcohol abuse of the neighbors and tried to focus on loving my friends but the problem was that I was really uncomfortable with the amount they were doing. I didn't like smelling like pot and tobacco smoke, Andrew hated it when I came home and smelled, I had to take a shower every time just so he'd kiss me again.
One day they wanted to hang out, I was nervous about controlling my emotions and I got so drunk that night that I ended up on the bathroom floor covered in chunky barf because as I said before-I don't know how to drink properly- and had essentially downed half a bottle of orange vodka. Andrew didn't have much sympathy for me at that point, I don't blame him I was pretty gross. I did find the situation funny though so I have that going for me...which is nice.
The roommate would never text me back when I'd invite him to things, apparently he's shy which is fine, but I also had love for him as well. I was worried about him because of the drug use in the house. I texted him one day and reminded him that this local college that he's attending has strict rules against drugs and alcohol, even if he isn't the one doing it they might get in trouble or kicked out because they signed an honor code. I offered Andrew and my help to find a new place to live if the circumstances arise, a place in men's housing with a bunch of LDS dudes that most likely won't be causing those kinds of problems, they are tolerant and kind and just an overall better living situation. I know it's really none of my business, but I've been in that situation before where people were doing drugs, having loud sex and just a bad sitch. I didn't have options at the time, he does so I just put that out there.
He never texted me back.
Christmas 2018
Andrew is mildly annoyed with me most Christmas's because I always want to do too much for my friends and family. I was excited because the neighbors had never really had an american Christmas so I put together stockings for each of them with thought out gifts etc. This is the first year I decorated for the holidays because of depression or traveling etc. I was overjoyed to share it with them and the roommate even surprised us hardcore with little gifts for each of us. THAT was amazing! Seriously, he rarely comes out of his room when I'm around. Now that I know why, I feel pretty crappy about that.
There are so many little things and events that happened, if I ever decide to write a book I hope I can remember them well enough. For now it's just a sugar coating of bad decisions and haze.
December 27 2018
The only thing I really wanted for Christmas was to go to the Temple lights with all my friends. Catherine and her kids, husband, wife and roommate. These are the people I spent most of my time and energy with. I had begged them to go with me since the beginning of December but they were busy or just not that interested. Catherine had sick kids the whole month so she gets a pass, but I finally talked husband and wife into going with me. We were to meet at their place at 8pm, I texted at 7:50 and reminded them to be ready at 8 because the temple closes at 10 and it'll take at least 45 mins to get there. I show up at 8, no one is around so I text again. They were having sex and thought it was funny to make me wait, and then told me when I got there that they were "waiting for me" we have a joking session of "you're gas lighting me" which I wasn't joking but whatever lets just go. They both smoke a bowl from a bong (I don't like that, I usually vape or take an edible) I'm a little uncomfortable about him being high because husband is notorious for being a distracted driver sober. We hop on I 15 north and head up to SLC. By the time we're in north Lehi, husband is high, distracted by a game he's playing on his phone, changing the music videos on his phone and is constantly looking at wife for approval of song lyrics, jokes etc and he's over-correcting which is making the car ride really jerky and I'm getting really nervous and I start to really feel unsafe. It's at this point I ask them to turn down the music for a second.
"hey! just one friend to another, there's a lot of cops on this stretch so just watch out"
Immediately the mood changes, husband and wife look at one another gaping like I had just asked for their first unborn child. Wife says "he drives all the time high, quit being a BT (Bad Trip)" husband is super annoyed with me for criticizing his driving, regardless if I was uneasy or not. My thought process was "it smells like pot, wife has a glass of vodka open in the car, and husband is high." I just didn't want to be arrested. Though now that I think about it, it would have made a cool picture.
I shut up and make sure my seat belt is tight.
We get to SLC and husband starts getting angry with me because I'm not paying attention to where he needs to go. Wife is in the middle of a story and I have to interrupt her to give directions, she looks at me like I've offended her and then husband is annoyed with me for not listening to her story and makes her tell it again. By this time we're in the neighborhood by the capitol building and there is snow and steep hills. I'm really uneasy, but also afraid of mentioning the driving thing so I beg him to just let me drive and I'll get us there. He wont let me, keeps driving so I just hand my phone with directions to wife. He then praises his wife repeatedly for giving him directions and how amazing she is for knowing how to get them to parking etc. She was reading the directions from my phone.
We get to the conference center and they are in full blown narcissistic co-dependent bliss. They exist in their world only and I feel like a burden. It takes almost 15 minutes just to get out of the car because they're so high and drunk they keep getting distracted ( I did take pictures and video just in case I died, they were borderline incoherent). It's cold out, she is wearing my coat and my boots because she didn't have any warm clothes so I gave her mine. It's okay, I have my hiking shoes and I doubled up on sweaters, but it's still chilly. We finally get out and head over to the conference center to try and find a bathroom, by this time its about 930 and they're closed. Husband and wife get annoyed with me because they need to pee but they wont listen to me so I start crossing the street. We have exactly 8 seconds to cross so you gotta jog a bit. My intention was to lead them to the other side where the mall is to find a bathroom there.
Once we crossed husband looks at me and has the most hateful angry face I've ever seen. He spits "well that was an adventure" and he's pissed I made them cross the street so fast. Whatever move on! We need to get you to a bathroom, I'm starting to get really anxious because of the unnecessary anger and agitation.
Side note: I was raised in an abusive household, my whole life I've been trained to monitor expressions, body language and tone of voice. It's a survival technique that I've been mastering since I was a toddler. I know when people are mad, and I especially know when they're about to blow. When people that I love get upset with me that's my trigger, most of my friends know about my mental illness and are very supportive. Husband and wife knew as well, and they used it to their advantage during the few times I had issues.
I cant help but stop at the reflection pool, my new phone is waterproof and I had been wanting to take a shot of the lights under water. I've been thinking of it for weeks, I was pretty determined. I stopped and I took exactly 3 pictures and I heard them both cackling loudly behind me.
Now my big ol butt was in the air, I'd laugh too honestly. So I turned around and jokingly said "are you guys laughing about me?" expecting a "heck yes we are, your butt is in the air hahahaha" but instead they got incredibly defensive and immediately told me I was overreacting and making stuff up. I started to shake, the body language and facial expressions were telling me they were above and beyond annoyed with me for many reasons, some of which I'm not aware of. I start to have a panic attack because I feel incredibly vulnerable and exposed, they can see me boiling over and trying to explain my actions. Husband comes over to me and leans in and says "you're imagining things" then in a flurry my mind goes dark, my heart closes my throat pinches shut. I'm holding back tears, I'm scared, my heart is beating fast and furious, I want Andrew, Catherine, Amy, my last bishop who I didn't like, I don't care, anyone but these two. I have no where to go, and they're now both in my face telling me I'm causing a scene and imagining them being upset with me. I can see in their eyes and actions that they are enjoying making me upset, its evil and visceral and in that moment they were no longer beautiful, interesting or my friends. There was no compassion, no love or kindness. I'm now in fight or flight survival mode and I have to get out of the situation and take a breath. I try to leave and they're still trying to escalate my situation, honestly this is the part that's hazy for me. I vaguely remember both of them towering over me furiously bullying, and I finally just take off and find a little garden alcove where I sit and cry for a few minutes digesting what just happened.
After the nice couple found me and offered me a ride home I took it. I was safe, they were young and about to be engaged they had just done a temple session. I offered them a free engagement session for bringing me home, I hope they take me up on it. I texted and called husband and wife around 10 pm letting them know I'd ran into friends and will be going home with them. We parted ways for almost 2 days.
Dec 29 2018
Saturday morning was GORGEOUS. The snow was backlit by the sunrise and it was just too good not to shoot. Wife had texted briefly that she needed husbands charger (he left it in my car days earlier) I went out to get it and told another neighbor that I was getting husbands charger. He heard his name and assumed I was talking bad about him. NOW. To his defense I totally was, just not at that moment, and I didn't go into detail just a quick "hey we're fighting, just a heads up" but he thought I was straight up gossiping which...I was, just not right then.
I bring the charger up and set it on the chair by the door and I get my camera. I'm shooting outside for a minute and wife opens her window and yells at me "Laura, if you're going to bitch, do it quietly" I just said OK not really knowing what she was talking about because I was quiet, also I was pretty amazed at the acoustics of our place. I head inside.
With in a minute husband is pounding on my door. I open it and can see he's pissed again, its the first time we've talked since the other night.
He starts screaming at me: "DO NOT TALK ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK YOU PSYCHOTIC BITCH" was the gist, there was lots of screaming and yelling, I vaguely remember him yelling at me about how much they love me and all that they've done for me. It went on for a few mins but I eventually tuned it out when Andrew came in. He wrapped me up in his arms and held me while husband yelled and spat. Andrew does very well in high strung emotional situations like that, he didn't say a word, only hugged me. Andrew later told me he didn't care about anyone else but me, I'm so thankful for my sweet emotional stone of a husband.
Wife comes and looks pretty pissed at me again, and I mouth to her "I know your secrets get in here now" she eventually does and I try to tell her what happened to me. She starts shaking her head and says "everything you say is bullshit, that's not what happened, we love you and you always freak out we can never make you happy etc. oh and by the way roommate doesn't like being with you because you're too loud and you embarrass him" I have to admit that one hurt because I was really trying to include the roommate in traditions and be welcoming. She knows that I had love for him as well, and was trying to hurt me.
At this point I realized there was no reasoning with her or him, Andrew saw it first hand, and told me I'm not crazy, and my perception of them is right. She always brings the conversation to her, her feelings her perception and it's always right no matter what. She wasn't interested in what I had to say, and I'm half wondering if her husband has gas-lighted her as well. That's dangerous and I'm grateful I was able to see it for what it was.
I'm going through something pretty deep right now in my life, I'm figuring out my spiritual gift, which avenue of spirituality, how to be a better wife and business owner. I'm trying to control my mental illness with meds and meditation. My intentions are always going to be love based, even though love can sometimes be negative. In this case it was, my love had a negative affect on these people and they hate me for it, I hate myself for it too, I feel like I should know better. Also since they're middle eastern I wonder if a lot of it was miscommunication and they did not get my humor. Seriously, I'm funny AF and a bit sarcastic that just didn't fly well for them.
I'm done. 100% with these people. I'm quite good at ignoring people I don't like so I'm not worried we share a wall, I'm grateful we have a wall! But we do share a porch, and parking so I'll run into them eventually. Hopefully by then I'll be stronger mentally and will be able to handle any interactions.
Also
Don't do drugs.
Oh and alcohol.
I'm keeping the piercing.
Wife (omitting names) and I instantly become friends and get super close fast, I see her as a combination of a best friend/daughter-esque, which I shouldn't have given in so easily to my heart I know that now and will never do it again. In August the roommate moves in, he's devout in religion so naturally my heart goes out to him a bit because I know what it's like living a strict religious lifestyle. Honestly in retrospect my gut warned me about them, but my heart overruled as per usual and I fell head over heels in love with these people and wanted to include them in everything Utah and the United States. In my later years I realize that I'm quite patriotic, an american value that's been instilled in us since 1776 I suppose.
The wife is bored here, in Dubai it's a party town, in Provo we have 1 bar ( I think) and it's eclectic, especially on a Sunday night. The 4 of us went one night and they saw drag queens for the first time, I think they were equally excited and a little freaked out. That kind of stuff is illegal in Dubai so it was fun experiencing that with them. The roommate had cheese fries (don't forget religious, so no drinking) he was wearing a blue shirt and I really liked him.
October 2018
Wife and I are close, I will take her places with me (work, or shooting, grocery shopping etc) I like the company and she's so electric and alive I just eat it up. I love that she's herself all the time, and she's mouthy, funny, kinda trashy and nobody I've ever met before.
I LOVE Halloween. Like I live, breathe, eat, decorate this holiday. I've had nightmares that I don't have a costume on Halloween, and have to settle for anything I can find in my closet. Anyway I get invited to a corn maze with free pumpkins and snacks etc. and think the neighbors would love it. So I convince them to go and in my opinion we have fun! Nothing makes me happier than spending time with friends doing things I love. My heart was so full that they gave me their time and attention for this event, I can never get Andrew to come with me to these things. We went to a haunted house in Salt Lake that was amazeballs, I had so much fun doing that. I was able to get a bit closer to the roommate that night, but because I'm married and affectionate, and he's so uber religious I think over time I made him uncomfortable. Honestly, I just loved the kid but he made me super nervous and I couldn't talk to him half the time anyway. My love can be intense, and until someone tells me no I'll just keep going and get attached then it really becomes weird especially if you're not into being super close to a very loud, bubbly chubby chick who brings all the attention to herself. I've always been this way. In the end I was told that I embarrassed the roommate so he never wanted to hang out with me in public, Sorry roommate if I knew you were so bothered by it I would've toned it down for you.
A few days go by and things kinda hit the fan. Wife and husband are having marital issues and I try to talk wife through it. She wants to straight up leave him because of these issues which I wont get into right now. I'm a hopeless romantic and I want things to work out for the best, so I tell her the usual support things "first year is the hardest" "this is normal to have doubts" etc. She doesn't know how to cope with the marriage and the emotional toll its taking on her so she books a ticket last minute and departs to Dubai for a month. I'd do it too, going home strengthens you and gets you back to your roots. I tried to be supportive and I was sad she was leaving and even a little anxious that she wouldn't return. We exchanged forget me not's and she left halfway through October.
Over the course of the month wife was gone, husband and I become better friends (IMO) and again I let myself get to close. I imagined our relationship would be a lot like Rob and I. Rob and his wife J'ness are my besties that live in Scotland currently and when I met the neighbors they had just moved there the week prior. So I assumed the husband and I would have a similar relationship. Andrew and I have a very open relationship, he knows everything I do and vice versa. His life is boring though, all he does is work and write...yawwwn (JK I love this about him)
The husband and I would hang out often and do things together but for some reason, he messed with my emotions. I don't think he does it intentionally. Because I'm an empath I pick up on others emotional state and often it messes with my own. I'm in the process of understanding myself and trying to better my state of being. At the time though, I was a little wild with the emotional things. The husband would consistently tell me what I was feeling spiritually and mentally was bullshit and it's all fake to him, and he hated it when I talked about my spirituality because it made him uncomfortable. I'm a pretty patient person so I respected his opinion wholeheartedly and of course pushed the issue often. I even jokingly told him we were in a past life together, which I kinda believe because of the circumstances and how I knew we'd only be friends for a short time yadda yadda. I told them this from the get go. It's hard not being yourself, trying to hide who you are and how you operate from someone who thinks you're a nut job. I was so enamored with him and his wife that I just pushed all that to the back of my mind, all of that being red flags that I chose to ignore. While wife was away I grew to love husband as a friend but honestly did not trust him. I knew it would come out why I felt that way eventually.
One of the first things we did after wife left was go to Evermore, which is a really odd theme park aimed at RPG gaming crowds. I made the mistake of taking an adderall and a bit of cannabis before going (have not and will not do that again) I think it was to cope with the oddness of this relationship, a poor decision on my part. The two in combination made me a bit weird, I think I was just trying to keep up with him in a way, both husband and wife were into weed and I naturally fell into that grove. It's not my finest moment but it was definitely a moment. As we're walking up to the line I hear my name and it's Summer my old roommate. We had a hard relationship and things ended kinda badly with her mom passing away (we all lived in their home), and we both got married and moved away with in the same year. I think of her often and had wanted to tell her how much I loved her, and how she changed my life. Unfortunately I was really, really out of it and kinda made a scene when I started screaming and crying, gawwwwwwsh I regret that. She may have had an idea of what was happening but if anyone understands it's going to be Summer, sorry Summ. Evermore is super geeky and the next time I go I'm bringing Andrew, I'm pretty sure he'd love that place. I had fun with husband that night, it was unforgettable but very weird.
The month flies by and wife is set to come home right before thanksgiving, husband has booked a ticket the same day she gets home, he leaves for thanksgiving weekend. Wife and I reconnect and we are thick as thieves, I will do anything for her. I love her very much at this point. We have also shared secrets and I know a lot of her drama, some of which her husband does not know about. I'm trying to help her, but shes so into pot and alcohol it's becoming hard for me to be patient and help her adequately. At one point, I had to specifically ask her to be sober when we visited a friend with kids at 11 am. She looked at me like "why would I do that?" and that's when I knew for sure that this was a problem. I know it's not my job, I know I over did it in the loving dept. and I got burned because of it.
Thanksgiving 2018
Andrew and I always make a big thanksgiving meal every year. This is the first year where we had guests! We always invite people over but no one shows, seriously thanksgiving rocked. Andrew, wife, roommate and I all cooked together, remember husband is away for the weekend. I had found some special meat for roommate (religious) to make sure he was included, we ate had fun and watched a movie. It was awesome. I love friends, and that was absolutely wonderful for me. I will hold that memory forever as one of my best thanksgivings. Husband comes back that Sunday and treats me differently, apparently we're no longer friends? I thought at the time he was nervous about seeing his wife or whatever but that's when things start getting weird. I'm getting more and more anxious about being with them, the husband is making me feel uneasy.
December 2018
It was during her absence that I realized how incredibly narcissistic they both were, and the husband was also severely co-dependent and it was too late when I realized. Obviously I'm not a doctor, so I'm not a expert on this topic, but it just seemed that way. By now I had given my heart over and I was in it. I kinda felt around mid-December that they were losing patience with me. I was having a mental crisis because of my actions, recreational cannabis use (abuse in my opinion, I did that to myself) an overactive third eye (causes excessive day dreaming), self esteem issues and eventually leading to a cute nose piercing and succumbing to pressure in the form of an emotional breakdown. I ignored everyone for a few days and it seemed to get better. I thought I could handle them again so I eventually ignored the daily drug and alcohol abuse of the neighbors and tried to focus on loving my friends but the problem was that I was really uncomfortable with the amount they were doing. I didn't like smelling like pot and tobacco smoke, Andrew hated it when I came home and smelled, I had to take a shower every time just so he'd kiss me again.
One day they wanted to hang out, I was nervous about controlling my emotions and I got so drunk that night that I ended up on the bathroom floor covered in chunky barf because as I said before-I don't know how to drink properly- and had essentially downed half a bottle of orange vodka. Andrew didn't have much sympathy for me at that point, I don't blame him I was pretty gross. I did find the situation funny though so I have that going for me...which is nice.
The roommate would never text me back when I'd invite him to things, apparently he's shy which is fine, but I also had love for him as well. I was worried about him because of the drug use in the house. I texted him one day and reminded him that this local college that he's attending has strict rules against drugs and alcohol, even if he isn't the one doing it they might get in trouble or kicked out because they signed an honor code. I offered Andrew and my help to find a new place to live if the circumstances arise, a place in men's housing with a bunch of LDS dudes that most likely won't be causing those kinds of problems, they are tolerant and kind and just an overall better living situation. I know it's really none of my business, but I've been in that situation before where people were doing drugs, having loud sex and just a bad sitch. I didn't have options at the time, he does so I just put that out there.
He never texted me back.
Christmas 2018
Andrew is mildly annoyed with me most Christmas's because I always want to do too much for my friends and family. I was excited because the neighbors had never really had an american Christmas so I put together stockings for each of them with thought out gifts etc. This is the first year I decorated for the holidays because of depression or traveling etc. I was overjoyed to share it with them and the roommate even surprised us hardcore with little gifts for each of us. THAT was amazing! Seriously, he rarely comes out of his room when I'm around. Now that I know why, I feel pretty crappy about that.
There are so many little things and events that happened, if I ever decide to write a book I hope I can remember them well enough. For now it's just a sugar coating of bad decisions and haze.
December 27 2018
The only thing I really wanted for Christmas was to go to the Temple lights with all my friends. Catherine and her kids, husband, wife and roommate. These are the people I spent most of my time and energy with. I had begged them to go with me since the beginning of December but they were busy or just not that interested. Catherine had sick kids the whole month so she gets a pass, but I finally talked husband and wife into going with me. We were to meet at their place at 8pm, I texted at 7:50 and reminded them to be ready at 8 because the temple closes at 10 and it'll take at least 45 mins to get there. I show up at 8, no one is around so I text again. They were having sex and thought it was funny to make me wait, and then told me when I got there that they were "waiting for me" we have a joking session of "you're gas lighting me" which I wasn't joking but whatever lets just go. They both smoke a bowl from a bong (I don't like that, I usually vape or take an edible) I'm a little uncomfortable about him being high because husband is notorious for being a distracted driver sober. We hop on I 15 north and head up to SLC. By the time we're in north Lehi, husband is high, distracted by a game he's playing on his phone, changing the music videos on his phone and is constantly looking at wife for approval of song lyrics, jokes etc and he's over-correcting which is making the car ride really jerky and I'm getting really nervous and I start to really feel unsafe. It's at this point I ask them to turn down the music for a second.
"hey! just one friend to another, there's a lot of cops on this stretch so just watch out"
Immediately the mood changes, husband and wife look at one another gaping like I had just asked for their first unborn child. Wife says "he drives all the time high, quit being a BT (Bad Trip)" husband is super annoyed with me for criticizing his driving, regardless if I was uneasy or not. My thought process was "it smells like pot, wife has a glass of vodka open in the car, and husband is high." I just didn't want to be arrested. Though now that I think about it, it would have made a cool picture.
I shut up and make sure my seat belt is tight.
We get to SLC and husband starts getting angry with me because I'm not paying attention to where he needs to go. Wife is in the middle of a story and I have to interrupt her to give directions, she looks at me like I've offended her and then husband is annoyed with me for not listening to her story and makes her tell it again. By this time we're in the neighborhood by the capitol building and there is snow and steep hills. I'm really uneasy, but also afraid of mentioning the driving thing so I beg him to just let me drive and I'll get us there. He wont let me, keeps driving so I just hand my phone with directions to wife. He then praises his wife repeatedly for giving him directions and how amazing she is for knowing how to get them to parking etc. She was reading the directions from my phone.
We get to the conference center and they are in full blown narcissistic co-dependent bliss. They exist in their world only and I feel like a burden. It takes almost 15 minutes just to get out of the car because they're so high and drunk they keep getting distracted ( I did take pictures and video just in case I died, they were borderline incoherent). It's cold out, she is wearing my coat and my boots because she didn't have any warm clothes so I gave her mine. It's okay, I have my hiking shoes and I doubled up on sweaters, but it's still chilly. We finally get out and head over to the conference center to try and find a bathroom, by this time its about 930 and they're closed. Husband and wife get annoyed with me because they need to pee but they wont listen to me so I start crossing the street. We have exactly 8 seconds to cross so you gotta jog a bit. My intention was to lead them to the other side where the mall is to find a bathroom there.
Once we crossed husband looks at me and has the most hateful angry face I've ever seen. He spits "well that was an adventure" and he's pissed I made them cross the street so fast. Whatever move on! We need to get you to a bathroom, I'm starting to get really anxious because of the unnecessary anger and agitation.
Side note: I was raised in an abusive household, my whole life I've been trained to monitor expressions, body language and tone of voice. It's a survival technique that I've been mastering since I was a toddler. I know when people are mad, and I especially know when they're about to blow. When people that I love get upset with me that's my trigger, most of my friends know about my mental illness and are very supportive. Husband and wife knew as well, and they used it to their advantage during the few times I had issues.
I cant help but stop at the reflection pool, my new phone is waterproof and I had been wanting to take a shot of the lights under water. I've been thinking of it for weeks, I was pretty determined. I stopped and I took exactly 3 pictures and I heard them both cackling loudly behind me.
Now my big ol butt was in the air, I'd laugh too honestly. So I turned around and jokingly said "are you guys laughing about me?" expecting a "heck yes we are, your butt is in the air hahahaha" but instead they got incredibly defensive and immediately told me I was overreacting and making stuff up. I started to shake, the body language and facial expressions were telling me they were above and beyond annoyed with me for many reasons, some of which I'm not aware of. I start to have a panic attack because I feel incredibly vulnerable and exposed, they can see me boiling over and trying to explain my actions. Husband comes over to me and leans in and says "you're imagining things" then in a flurry my mind goes dark, my heart closes my throat pinches shut. I'm holding back tears, I'm scared, my heart is beating fast and furious, I want Andrew, Catherine, Amy, my last bishop who I didn't like, I don't care, anyone but these two. I have no where to go, and they're now both in my face telling me I'm causing a scene and imagining them being upset with me. I can see in their eyes and actions that they are enjoying making me upset, its evil and visceral and in that moment they were no longer beautiful, interesting or my friends. There was no compassion, no love or kindness. I'm now in fight or flight survival mode and I have to get out of the situation and take a breath. I try to leave and they're still trying to escalate my situation, honestly this is the part that's hazy for me. I vaguely remember both of them towering over me furiously bullying, and I finally just take off and find a little garden alcove where I sit and cry for a few minutes digesting what just happened.
After the nice couple found me and offered me a ride home I took it. I was safe, they were young and about to be engaged they had just done a temple session. I offered them a free engagement session for bringing me home, I hope they take me up on it. I texted and called husband and wife around 10 pm letting them know I'd ran into friends and will be going home with them. We parted ways for almost 2 days.
Dec 29 2018
Saturday morning was GORGEOUS. The snow was backlit by the sunrise and it was just too good not to shoot. Wife had texted briefly that she needed husbands charger (he left it in my car days earlier) I went out to get it and told another neighbor that I was getting husbands charger. He heard his name and assumed I was talking bad about him. NOW. To his defense I totally was, just not at that moment, and I didn't go into detail just a quick "hey we're fighting, just a heads up" but he thought I was straight up gossiping which...I was, just not right then.
I bring the charger up and set it on the chair by the door and I get my camera. I'm shooting outside for a minute and wife opens her window and yells at me "Laura, if you're going to bitch, do it quietly" I just said OK not really knowing what she was talking about because I was quiet, also I was pretty amazed at the acoustics of our place. I head inside.
With in a minute husband is pounding on my door. I open it and can see he's pissed again, its the first time we've talked since the other night.
He starts screaming at me: "DO NOT TALK ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK YOU PSYCHOTIC BITCH" was the gist, there was lots of screaming and yelling, I vaguely remember him yelling at me about how much they love me and all that they've done for me. It went on for a few mins but I eventually tuned it out when Andrew came in. He wrapped me up in his arms and held me while husband yelled and spat. Andrew does very well in high strung emotional situations like that, he didn't say a word, only hugged me. Andrew later told me he didn't care about anyone else but me, I'm so thankful for my sweet emotional stone of a husband.
Wife comes and looks pretty pissed at me again, and I mouth to her "I know your secrets get in here now" she eventually does and I try to tell her what happened to me. She starts shaking her head and says "everything you say is bullshit, that's not what happened, we love you and you always freak out we can never make you happy etc. oh and by the way roommate doesn't like being with you because you're too loud and you embarrass him" I have to admit that one hurt because I was really trying to include the roommate in traditions and be welcoming. She knows that I had love for him as well, and was trying to hurt me.
At this point I realized there was no reasoning with her or him, Andrew saw it first hand, and told me I'm not crazy, and my perception of them is right. She always brings the conversation to her, her feelings her perception and it's always right no matter what. She wasn't interested in what I had to say, and I'm half wondering if her husband has gas-lighted her as well. That's dangerous and I'm grateful I was able to see it for what it was.
I'm going through something pretty deep right now in my life, I'm figuring out my spiritual gift, which avenue of spirituality, how to be a better wife and business owner. I'm trying to control my mental illness with meds and meditation. My intentions are always going to be love based, even though love can sometimes be negative. In this case it was, my love had a negative affect on these people and they hate me for it, I hate myself for it too, I feel like I should know better. Also since they're middle eastern I wonder if a lot of it was miscommunication and they did not get my humor. Seriously, I'm funny AF and a bit sarcastic that just didn't fly well for them.
I'm done. 100% with these people. I'm quite good at ignoring people I don't like so I'm not worried we share a wall, I'm grateful we have a wall! But we do share a porch, and parking so I'll run into them eventually. Hopefully by then I'll be stronger mentally and will be able to handle any interactions.
Also
Don't do drugs.
Oh and alcohol.
I'm keeping the piercing.
What a year. That sounds so hard. New situations can be so difficult to figure out. You are a strong person and will find your feet. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Love you.
ReplyDeleteLove you too boo!
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