" You've been unfairly judged your whole life"
Starting school in the fall of my last year of college, I knew I needed to step it up a notch. BUT I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE ENERGY. I was so frustrated, I needed to get so much done for my BFA and take the dreaded math class. I ended up not passing my BFA class (it's currently on hold) and the only class I need to graduate is math, but I barely have a game plan at this point.
I love school. I love it so much. I enjoy learning new and interesting things, and having sophisticated discussions about art, and why we do what we do. I love working in the darkroom and helping students with their assignments and I feel honored that they ask for my opinion on their compositions and techniques. I want to teach someday! I love photography and would love to work someday for UVU or any other college. I've even been thinking about a masters, or having my own studio with cute decorations and all the things I need for perfect lighting etc. I could take pictures of cute babies and toddlers for a career! I can do anything! I have dreams people! BIG ONES. I want to be successful, because that's who I am.
However. These last few months have been so, so difficult. I can only describe it as being in a dark mental sea of inertia, where I'm literally just living. I'm going through the daily motions of life, I smile, I eat, I sleep, I wake. But there's not much else. The days blur together, I cancel plans with friends and I don't go to parties that I say I'm going to. I haven't taken a proper picture for myself since christmas, I had a dream that my camera was covered in dust and I was working in some job I hated paying bills with meager earnings.
I have a hard time sleeping often, and Andrew tries to help me sleep by having me close my eyes and think of the ocean, he imagines my ocean for me, full of life and color. But in my mind's eye it's deep, dark and I'm on the bottom of the marianas trench, 7 miles down. I'm sitting legs crossed, hair floating above me, no light, no life, and it's silent. That is my peace, and it's usually not like that.
I knew something was wrong, I couldn't breathe right, I'm so sad, I haven't laughed hard lately. Anytime I went anywhere I'm huffing puffing, and then I'm completely drained of energy. I've been sleeping for 12+ hours a day and I'm still exhausted, and I've been bleeding (period, sorry) for 3 months straight, this last month was so heavy I thought I'd have to go to the emergency room. Something was wrong, seriously wrong so I had some blood work done and I got my results today.
She checked my thyroid which wasn't checked last time. Turns out I'm incredibly low on all levels of everything.
Hypothyroidism, she says. My body isn't making enough hormones and that's why I'm bleeding uncontrollably, and I'm so anemic from the excess bleeding, my red blood cells are so irregularly shaped I'm at a high risk of a friggin stroke!?
In addition to my depression issues, just a few symptoms as of late:
- Increased sensitivity to cold
- Dry skin
- Weight gain
- Puffy face
- Muscle weakness
- Elevated blood cholesterol level
- Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness
- Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints
- Heavier than normal or irregular menstrual periods
- Slowed heart rate
- Impaired memory
- Easy fatigue and loss of energy
- Unusually rapid heart beat, particularly with exercise
- Shortness of breath and headache particularly with exercise
- Difficulty concentrating
- Pale skin
- Leg cramping
Though the best part of this crappy situation is that the effects of the hypothyroidism is not my fault. I have had no control over this situation, and it's not actually flaws in my character. Which for a long time I was so convinced I was turning into a lazy stupid person.
My inner thoughts lately-
"you're so stupid Laura, just go to the gym, just stop eating, just stop being dumb, you're so slow, are you an idiot? Can't you see you're so lazy you're becoming a fat stupid person"
Especially in the last few weeks I have felt so lazy and stupid. I can't make connections, and I'm too tired to exercise, so I feel slothful and even more crappy about myself. I know it sounds horrible. Because it is! Hopefully those horrible thoughts will subside but I'm thinking medicine won't take care of that.
The good news is that I'm now on a better set of medications, and I literally have to double up on birth control because even though I've been on a normal dose for 2 weeks, because I'm still bleeding I need more hormones to make my body stop. Heaven help my husband!
I know I'm a big woman, those of you who see big women, please please please don't make assumptions about their exercise and eating habits. I can't tell you how many times in the last year I've heard from friends and family "just go out for a walk" or " eat less, move more it's science!" though I appreciate the sentiment, I already knew that I needed to do those things, and I only really felt worse about myself.
I really hope that I can at least get my energy back, if I can do that I can do the rest of the work. I want to be healthy so bad! So wish me luck!