Slow Life

Blogging is such a great idea, because I like writing things down when I have the initial thoughts and I hate my handwriting. Granted I can't share EVERYTHING but I can for the most part jot down feelings and clutter that seems to ever invade the spare space in my mind.

Inner peace:

This has become a trend for me personally since I have been struggling for the past few weeks to have a happy balance inside, it's oh so easy for me to put on a smile and love others but when it comes to doing that for myself I have difficulties understanding the power of doing so. I think things are hard right now for me because Momma Carr is having a hard time remaining healthy, and I am having a hard time accepting that she is dying. There is a beauty to it I know, she gets very controlling about things, where to put utensils and how many she has. Micromanaging both Summer and I and one day I kind of flipped on her because she told me that I don't eat enough vegetables, I started to cry and told her that's all I eat and I am just a big girl ( I don't tell her that Andrew could be a culprit with his yummy treats) but it literally is genes for me! I am standing there with the fridge open and tears streaming down my face messing up the make-up I just put on. I spill some cream on the floor in my distress and it gets on my shoes. She comes and cleans up the mess of both me and the spilled cream. Taking my face in her hands and apologizing, she may have kissed my cheek I can't remember. I felt bad for that, but it's strange because I am not sure where I fit in to this situation. In one corner you have the renter, the other corner adopted daughter. I just want to do what is right.

A broken heart will catch up with you weeks after the blow, I am thankful for the initial grace and peace the Lord has offered me but it feels like I am slowly being given a little bit at a time now like some spiritual junkie. I have been so ambivalent about things it's ridiculous, when my bike got stolen I didn't care, I was mad initially but then I just didn't care. It's kind of like I'm standing in the middle of a dodge ball game and the balls are just bouncing off me and I stay there still like water in a jar. I am letting go though, I am thinking of ways I can better my life and move on. Alaska always comes to mind first, some great adventure filled with light show snow and eternally lit summers.

I have decided to take my award of financial aid (Stafford loan) please tell me how this is an AWARD and some sick version of FINANCIAL AID. I have to pay it back, but at least I get to attend classes, I miss school, I loved meeting new people and I crave learning new things. If anyone has a spare dictionary can I have it please? I have just realized that there are all these words I don't know! I NEED MORE WORDS!

I have been taking more hours at the job I "quit" a few months ago.  Mostly to pay for books and a trip to AZ, when I start school I will tell them to take me off the list. I hate that flipping job.

I miss my family, I miss my sister.