not happy, not all the time at least.

The past couple of weeks I have been in a depression, yes I do get depressed hard to imagine right? It is so easy to get wrapped up in life I forget to do what is necessary for my spiritual and mental heath. My spiritual self has taken a bit of a blow since I am so "busy" and I feel like other things are effected by it. First my ability to love people, I get anxious around crowds and I don't want to be social. I sleep a lot, and it is hard for me to do the work I do because I lose patience quickly. I cry way more than usual and feel pity for myself and my self esteem plummets, and to add to all of these great things weight gain, its only been like 5 pounds but still IT"S 5 FRIGGIN POUNDS! The gospel is such an essential part of my life and I always feel like the prodigal son whenever I sway off the path for a while, what is really sad? I did it on purpose this time. I felt I needed a rest from the constant guidance I was receiving, I was extremely in tune, but didn't like the responsibility of following. Stupid I know but I was put through flame so to speak and then blanched back to normal life so I felt I deserved a break, a really poor choice on my part because I have to work harder now. My remedy? I took the entire week off from work to work on me, I will read scriptures every day to get back to the habit, the temple is definitely on my list of things to do, and go to the dang gym. In addition I also discovered I need something to progress to, something new to try. I am thinking maybe teaching English in some country, or moving to another country to work for a few months to a year. School is on the list somewhere but I have a hard time with it. To most this would deem silly or me just procrastinating another life essential, but truly I have a hard time focusing. I indeed love to learn but I am more of a hands on type of girl. I learn best through others and first hand experience. Living in Utah has its perks, I have education surrounding me every where, there are 2 universities and a number of community colleges and programs. There are days where I am totally convinced I am going to save up and pay for a program but others like these past few weeks have been hard. It is easy to say I don't need school I have a good paying job and it is secure, but these things are of course temporary. I am well aware of the consequences I face not going to school, the thing I dislike about the area I live is, if you haven't gone to school it is literally frowned upon. More times than not I am totally disregarded as a conversationalist due to the fact that I am not "properly educated". I don't care if you are getting a masters degree, if you don't have character and charity towards others and what they're interested in, I just move on. I don't know why living on ones own since the age of 17 and paying my own way through life, and trying new life experiences is not educated! Anyway I am by no means a "hater" as the kids are calling it these days, I just want to be respected for doing what I do and being comfortable knowing that I should go, but being OK with myself if I don't and not feeling like I am less than a person. Anyway enough of my bitter rants I have a couple of things to look forward to over the next few months at least. Next week I get to see Harry Potter with my favorite Utah friends and then a boating activity on Saturday at Jordanelle! I will probably get super sunburned as always, I do in fact have sunscreen but I don't ever use it, just another thing I should do..but don't.