Soon to be a Divorcée

Andrew and I are getting a divorce

Not a shocker, the kid never helped with chores, couldn't keep a job and is gay AF. (I meant that with a humorous flippant tone)

Our marriage of 7.75  years ended in September when I decided to move out of our little apartment we shared with our boyfriends. Andrew, Coy, Jimi and myself shared that little apartment with 4 cats (whom Jimi is hella allergic to, he only slept there when he was in town) for about 2 months before Jimi and I found our place in Pleasant Grove. We are currently living in a little town home just off North County Blvd. We're close to my work, his work and his 2 small children.

A lil' background

Andrew rarely helped with household chores (biggest beef obviously) he wouldn't keep a job, and we hadn't had sex in the last 3 years, no intimacy which meant no closeness. He didn't do anything wrong really, he just didn't try to give me what I said I needed to live out loud through tears over the course of years that I needed help and someone to grow with. For most of our marriage I was either in school or working full time to support us. Andrew worked at the post office for a year straight and that was his longest job. During his time there the only thing I asked of him was to work, I still worked full time and cooked, cleaned, took care of the house etc. When he rage quit his job in June he still refused to do chores, and by November I was out. I told him that would happen, he was still surprised when I asked for a divorce.

Summer of '16 - Winter of '18/'19 I was incredibly depressed, I rarely got out of bed if I didn't have work. I slept those years away enveloped in depression with little glints of happiness and joy shared with friends or family but for most of that time I was lost and so sad. A lot of that had to do with church and the residual feelings I had from it. I took hand fulls every night of antidepressants, beta blockers, and mood stabilizers to stave off symptoms but they only numbed me.

In March last year we opened our marriage, I was 37 and didn't know what good sex was like, the last few times Andrew and I tried it ended in tears because he wasn't into me like that. I had no idea who I was as a woman, or a human being really. Sex is a fundamental part of being human, and we're constantly selling it and shaming it. I'm tired of being shamed for having very natural urges, that most people on earth experience. Also Sex is a HUGE part of a working marriage, I realize that now but was naive to it for many years. In May Andrew ventured out into the gay world and came back with a boyfriend Coy the first weekend. After that it was obvious our dynamic was changing, and our separation was inevitable.

Spirituality

Last year around January I started seeing Emily Thevenin a sexual wholeness educator but also energetic healer and fellow empath. She helped work through and essentially start my spiritual awakening, it was with her that I realized some foundational truths for myself.

1. Only I am responsible for my spirituality
2. I have done nothing wrong
3. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be on my path.

Through Emily I unraveled a lot of negative thought patterns that were keeping me low, self hatred was probably the most shocking to me. I hated myself so much that I would lash out and hurt myself by slapping my face or scratching my arms in a violent fit of rage over something I couldn't control. I would slap my face so hard I couldn't smile for days, that always made me feel so sorrowful for myself. As I did the work to change my programing and think more lovingly and with gratitude instead of a constant barrage of hate speech, I found it easier to cope when I got overwhelmed and I was able to take control of my life and really make some decisions that would affect my life positively.

I've always been drawn into the idea of "witch" but not Wicca or any other religious institutions. My idea of being a witch is that I glean truth from many sources and create my own spiritual path. Yes I make offerings, I make an offering to my higher self every morning and I burn incense for the nature spirits (which I've just begun to sense finally after a year of offerings) its comfortable to me and I have urges to make offerings to planetary bodies and spirits for guidance or just to make my intentions known. It's prayer to me, but with focus. It works for me, and many many others, there is no guilt, shame, or tithing settlements with my path. The most important thing is that it WORKS FOR ME. It doesn't have to work for anyone else, if this is how I access God then that's how i'm gonna do it. Spirituality isn't a one size fits all, it's as unique as a fingerprint and we all have much more power than we realize. I believe in God (or the universe or the source) I don't worship Satan, I love Satan! I also don't really believe in him, just the idea that Satan is the embodiment of mans carnal nature, and one hell of a scapegoat. Also really really love and understand who Jesus is, he came to me during meditation and showed me who he is and it was pretty freaking amazing. SO Jesus is pretty darn rad in my book. 

I started taking online classes with Dr. Carolyn Elliott, she is a shadow integration teacher which is a form of spiritual psychology. She teaches to love all aspects of life even the bad stuff. She is a self proclaimed “hermetic tantric Bodhisattva Appalachian cosmopolitan folk weirdo with a crush on Jesus” and I absolutely love her. I have taken 3 of her courses so far and they have changed my life in the most positive way! I'm so grateful to God for sending her my way, and she has taught me how to tap into my own power and use it. 

I am down to 1/2 pill a night for my depression and only take a thyroid pill and iron. I attribute getting off most of my meds to shadow integration, as it has taught me how to deal with the shit that was causing my outbursts, and helping me heal my chemical imbalances. Variations of shadow work exist all over, this one just spoke to me, I highly recommend it.


Jimi

In July I had prayed for someone I could love and be compatible with on the home front. I wanted to have a cozy home either by myself or sharing with someone new, I find security at home and for the last year or so I've been pretty miserable because I haven't been getting the help and support I needed at home from Andrew.

I met Jimi August 30 and he was what I was looking for! Where did we meet? On Tinder of course. 

Nice, beardy, Scorpio, had a job. He's really got a funky style which I like, and OMG his dancing had me from the get go. It's not even that good, just something about how he moves his body is like suuuuper hot.

He had just moved here from AZ,  he also was going through a divorce at the time we met, but was finalized a few weeks later. He has 2 young boys, 1 and 3, that live with their mom here in Utah and he used to pick them up on weekends to spend time with them at parks all day. Because the divorce was so sudden he didn't have a place to live in Utah, it became apparent that we both needed a new space to cohabit. Especially because he wouldn't bring the kids to the apartment when he stayed there because of reasons but mostly it was because of space. It was getting cold (October at this point) and he needed to find a place to have the kids on the weekends, I wanted to get out of the apartment because Andrew and I were just co-existing at this point. Andrew's boyfriend Coy had moved in already and I had my own room, Andrew had also gotten a second boyfriend at this point and I felt a heavy push to get out. Utah is notoriously expensive for rent and decent places to live, so it made sense for Jimi and I to split the bills. I found this little 3 bedroom townhouse that had seemed like it had been sitting there waiting for us since August. We moved in November 7 and never really looked back, the kids come on the weekends sometimes they sleep over. I turn into "miss Laura" around them, Jimi and I team up to be with the kids, we aren't affectionate in front of them and I'm sure they're a little confused about some rando lady but I try to be supportive of Jimi and give him help when he needs it. He's a fantastic dad, and I'm thrilled to be able to watch him raise his boys, and be a part of their lives even just a little. They're very rambunctious little boys, who have their daddy's soft and tender side. Living with a new human and their tiny humans that aren't yours can be really trying, and it has! But not for lack of love, and kindness and security. I'm scared to let someone into my heart so fast, but it has to happen otherwise I'd just sit on the fence and debate about weather or not I like this man enough to live with him. During the week we're just learning to be a couple, we both work and then come home and chill. Then on the weekends we're run ragged by his toddlers. It's a fantastic set up and I couldn't be happier, I feel like I am learning and growing again finally. 

Jimi and I have no plans to marry, but we're open to the idea. I'm still technically married to Andrew, but we are separated and he's currently living with both his boyfriends and the cats. 




Work
Currently I'm still freelancing for The Hut Group as a photographer/retoucher/stylist and I primarily shoot product, but also style and retouch. They're based out of the UK and recently approved me for another 4 weeks which is great news because winters are horribly slow as a photographer. Also they pay me well (albeit slowly, 30 EOM is a pain in the butt) but they're in transition too so the job isn't really secure, but I'm building my portfolio and getting really invaluable studio experience.


My life is beautiful, I have wanted what I have now for a long time. Andrew and I had a wonderful but hard marriage and I will take the lessons I learn and will continue to grow and become a better person. I'm still getting settled and learning to love a new partner, and relishing in my new lovely life. So no major plans for now, but of course I'll always blog if something big comes up!

Midlife Crisis Musings - The Neighbors

I've been through a lot these last few months, so I'm writing down my thoughts, actions and feelings of things that happened from my perspective as a healing tool. I don't intend to bash or hate on anyone, this is the only way I can see myself moving on. I plan on starting with the neighbors and just writing a few long essays about different things that I'm figuring out. I'll do a blog on these guys, my spiritual journey, how Andrew and I are coping, and my future plans. 


The Neighbors

Dec 27, 2018

I sat in an alcove and stared at the Salt Lake Temple shining like a lit wet boulder in the dark, framed by snow on a little clump of trees that I'm hidden away in. In retrospect I regret not taking a picture, that's why I'm there in the first place. The carefully laid bricks create a winding path with leading lines straight to the Temple. Lights stretch on every branch, and fresh snow clings to the branches; its twenty degrees. Even though I'd left the church the previous year, I still love the Temple and I find myself comforted being here. The present situation is becoming dire, as I am in need of a ride home. I'm also having a panic attack, I've left my "friends" I was sobbing and confused, in flight or fight mode. Unfortunately it's been revealed to me the harsh reality that they really are pieces of shit (they kept telling me, I thought they were joking). I was so enamored with these people! In love even! Charming, exotic, fun, young, all the things!

But I digress, my lesson learned, I'm crying alone on the phone with Catherine and the nicest couple walks by and asked if I needed help. "Why yes I do!" I said cheerfully/desperately

July 4th 2018

We live in a little dumpy four plex in Provo. It has it's charms and we've been here for around 3 years, it's one of the only places we can have our kitties so we stay. Andrew is working late that night, I'm in my house dress drinking a dirty Shirley temple (I made that up it was mostly vodka with a cherry) I don't drink often, and it being my 37th birthday I thought I'd celebrate ( because you know, I OWE this to myself). I have no idea how drink, but I grimace through and try to feel buzzed enough to dull the loneliness. Fireworks are going off and I go outside to catch a few, that's when I meet my new neighbors. Newlyweds from Dubai (21 and 25) with complicated back stories, they were the most interesting people I've ever met and I was instantly smitten. New friends?! Happy birthday to me! They tell me they're in school online and at a local college, I'm excited because having fun neighbors sounds like a dream. I only really knew one family that lived here, so the more the merrier.

Wife (omitting names) and I instantly become friends and get super close fast, I see her as a combination of a best friend/daughter-esque, which I shouldn't have given in so easily to my heart I know that now and will never do it again. In August the roommate moves in, he's devout in religion so naturally my heart goes out to him a bit because I know what it's like living a strict religious lifestyle. Honestly in retrospect my gut warned me about them, but my heart overruled as per usual and I fell head over heels in love with these people and wanted to include them in everything Utah and the United States. In my later years I realize that I'm quite patriotic, an american value that's been instilled in us since 1776 I suppose.
The wife is bored here, in Dubai it's a party town, in Provo we have 1 bar ( I think) and it's eclectic, especially on a Sunday night. The 4 of us went one night and they saw drag queens for the first time, I think they were equally excited and a little freaked out. That kind of stuff is illegal in Dubai so it was fun experiencing that with them. The roommate had cheese fries (don't forget religious, so no drinking) he was wearing a blue shirt and I really liked him.

October 2018

Wife and I are close, I will take her places with me (work, or shooting, grocery shopping etc) I like the company and she's so electric and alive I just eat it up. I love that she's herself all the time, and she's mouthy, funny, kinda trashy and nobody I've ever met before.
I LOVE Halloween. Like I live, breathe, eat, decorate this holiday. I've had nightmares that I don't have a costume on Halloween, and have to settle for anything I can find in my closet. Anyway I get invited to a corn maze with free pumpkins and snacks etc. and think the neighbors would love it. So I convince them to go and in my opinion we have fun! Nothing makes me happier than spending time with friends doing things I love. My heart was so full that they gave me their time and attention for this event, I can never get Andrew to come with me to these things. We went to a haunted house in Salt Lake that was amazeballs, I had so much fun doing that. I was able to get a bit closer to the roommate that night, but because I'm married and affectionate, and he's so uber religious I think over time I made him uncomfortable. Honestly, I just loved the kid but he made me super nervous and I couldn't talk to him half the time anyway. My love can be intense, and until someone tells me no I'll just keep going and get attached then it really becomes weird especially if you're not into being super close to a very loud, bubbly chubby chick who brings all the attention to herself. I've always been this way. In the end I was told that I embarrassed the roommate so he never wanted to hang out with me in public, Sorry roommate if I knew you were so bothered by it I would've toned it down for you.

A few days go by and things kinda hit the fan. Wife and husband are having marital issues and I try to talk wife through it. She wants to straight up leave him because of these issues which I wont get into right now. I'm a hopeless romantic and I want things to work out for the best, so I tell her the usual support things "first year is the hardest" "this is normal to have doubts" etc. She doesn't know how to cope with the marriage and the emotional toll its taking on her so she books a ticket last minute and departs to Dubai for a month. I'd do it too, going home strengthens you and gets you back to your roots. I tried to be supportive and I was sad she was leaving and even a little anxious that she wouldn't return. We exchanged forget me not's and she left halfway through October.


Over the course of the month wife was gone, husband and I become better friends (IMO) and again I let myself get to close. I imagined our relationship would be a lot like Rob and I. Rob and his wife J'ness are my besties that live in Scotland currently and when I met the neighbors they had just moved there the week prior. So I assumed the husband and I would have a similar relationship. Andrew and I have a very open relationship, he knows everything I do and vice versa. His life is boring though, all he does is work and write...yawwwn (JK I love this about him)
The husband and I would hang out often and do things together but for some reason, he messed with my emotions. I don't think he does it intentionally. Because I'm an empath I pick up on others emotional state and often it messes with my own. I'm in the process of understanding myself and trying to better my state of being. At the time though, I was a little wild with the emotional things. The husband would consistently tell me what I was feeling spiritually and mentally was bullshit and it's all fake to him, and he hated it when I talked about my spirituality because it made him uncomfortable. I'm a pretty patient person so I respected his opinion wholeheartedly and of course pushed the issue often. I even jokingly told him we were in a past life together, which I kinda believe because of the circumstances and how I knew we'd only be friends for a short time yadda yadda. I told them this from the get go. It's hard not being yourself, trying to hide who you are and how you operate from someone who thinks you're a nut job. I was so enamored with him and his wife that I just pushed all that to the back of my mind, all of that being red flags that I chose to ignore. While wife was away I grew to love husband as a friend but honestly did not trust him. I knew it would come out why I felt that way eventually.

One of the first things we did after wife left was go to Evermore, which is a really odd theme park aimed at RPG gaming crowds. I made the mistake of taking an adderall and a bit of cannabis before going (have not and will not do that again) I think it was to cope with the oddness of this relationship, a poor decision on my part. The two in combination made me a bit weird, I think I was just trying to keep up with him in a way, both husband and wife were into weed and I naturally fell into that grove. It's not my finest moment but it was definitely a moment. As we're walking up to the line I hear my name and it's Summer my old roommate. We had a hard relationship and things ended kinda badly with her mom passing away (we all lived in their home), and we both got married and moved away with in the same year. I think of her often and had wanted to tell her how much I loved her, and how she changed my life. Unfortunately I was really, really out of it and kinda made a scene when I started screaming and crying, gawwwwwwsh I regret that. She may have had an idea of what was happening but if anyone understands it's going to be Summer, sorry Summ. Evermore is super geeky and the next time I go I'm bringing Andrew, I'm pretty sure he'd love that place. I had fun with husband that night, it was unforgettable but very weird.
The month flies by and wife is set to come home right before thanksgiving, husband has booked a ticket the same day she gets home, he leaves for thanksgiving weekend. Wife and I reconnect and we are thick as thieves, I will do anything for her. I love her very much at this point. We have also shared secrets and I know a lot of her drama, some of which her husband does not know about. I'm trying to help her, but shes so into pot and alcohol it's becoming hard for me to be patient and help her adequately. At one point, I had to specifically ask her to be sober when we visited a friend with kids at 11 am. She looked at me like "why would I do that?" and that's when I knew for sure that this was a problem. I know it's not my job, I know I over did it in the loving dept. and I got burned because of it.

Thanksgiving 2018

Andrew and I always make a big thanksgiving meal every year. This is the first year where we had guests! We always invite people over but no one shows, seriously thanksgiving rocked. Andrew, wife, roommate and I all cooked together, remember husband is away for the weekend. I had found some special meat for roommate (religious) to make sure he was included, we ate had fun and watched a movie. It was awesome. I love friends, and that was absolutely wonderful for me. I will hold that memory forever as one of my best thanksgivings. Husband comes back that Sunday and treats me differently, apparently we're no longer friends? I thought at the time he was nervous about seeing his wife or whatever but that's when things start getting weird. I'm getting more and more anxious about being with them, the husband is making me feel uneasy.


December 2018

It was during her absence that I realized how incredibly narcissistic they both were, and the husband was also severely co-dependent and it was too late when I realized. Obviously I'm not a doctor, so I'm not a expert on this topic, but it just seemed that way. By now I had given my heart over and I was in it. I kinda felt around mid-December that they were losing patience with me. I was having a mental crisis because of my actions, recreational cannabis use (abuse in my opinion, I did that to myself) an overactive third eye (causes excessive day dreaming), self esteem issues and eventually leading to a cute nose piercing and succumbing to pressure in the form of an emotional breakdown. I ignored everyone for a few days and it seemed to get better. I thought I could handle them again so I eventually ignored the daily drug and alcohol abuse of the neighbors and tried to focus on loving my friends but the problem was that I was really uncomfortable with the amount they were doing. I didn't like smelling like pot and tobacco smoke, Andrew hated it when I came home and smelled, I had to take a shower every time just so he'd kiss me again.
One day they wanted to hang out, I was nervous about controlling my emotions and I got so drunk that night that I ended up on the bathroom floor covered in chunky barf because as I said before-I don't know how to drink properly- and had essentially downed half a bottle of orange vodka. Andrew didn't have much sympathy for me at that point, I don't blame him I was pretty gross. I did find the situation funny though so I have that going for me...which is nice.
The roommate would never text me back when I'd invite him to things, apparently he's shy which is fine, but I also had love for him as well. I was worried about him because of the drug use in the house. I texted him one day and reminded him that this local college that he's attending has strict rules against drugs and alcohol, even if he isn't the one doing it they might get in trouble or kicked out because they signed an honor code. I offered Andrew and my help to find a new place to live if the circumstances arise, a place in men's housing with a bunch of LDS dudes that most likely won't be causing those kinds of problems, they are tolerant and kind and just an overall better living situation. I know it's really none of my business, but I've been in that situation before where people were doing drugs, having loud sex and just a bad sitch. I didn't have options at the time, he does so I just put that out there.

He never texted me back.


Christmas 2018

Andrew is mildly annoyed with me most Christmas's because I always want to do too much for my friends and family. I was excited because the neighbors had never really had an american Christmas so I put together stockings for each of them with thought out gifts etc. This is the first year I decorated for the holidays because of depression or traveling etc. I was overjoyed to share it with them and the roommate even surprised us hardcore with little gifts for each of us. THAT was amazing! Seriously, he rarely comes out of his room when I'm around. Now that I know why, I feel pretty crappy about that.

There are so many little things and events that happened, if I ever decide to write a book I hope I can remember them well enough. For now it's just a sugar coating of bad decisions and haze.


December 27 2018

The only thing I really wanted for Christmas was to go to the Temple lights with all my friends. Catherine and her kids, husband, wife and roommate. These are the people I spent most of my time and energy with. I had begged them to go with me since the beginning of December but they were busy or just not that interested. Catherine had sick kids the whole month so she gets a pass, but I finally talked husband and wife into going with me. We were to meet at their place at 8pm, I texted at 7:50 and reminded them to be ready at 8 because the temple closes at 10 and it'll take at least 45 mins to get there. I show up at 8, no one is around so I text again. They were having sex and thought it was funny to make me wait, and then told me when I got there that they were "waiting for me" we have a joking session of "you're gas lighting me" which I wasn't joking but whatever lets just go. They both smoke a bowl from a bong (I don't like that, I usually vape or take an edible) I'm a little uncomfortable about him being high because husband is notorious for being a distracted driver sober. We hop on  I 15 north and head up to SLC. By the time we're in north Lehi, husband is high, distracted by a game he's playing on his phone, changing the music videos on his phone and is constantly looking at wife for approval of song lyrics, jokes etc and he's over-correcting which is making the car ride really jerky and I'm getting really nervous and I start to really feel unsafe. It's at this point I ask them to turn down the music for a second.

"hey! just one friend to another, there's a lot of cops on this stretch so just watch out"
Immediately the mood changes, husband and wife look at one another gaping like I had just asked for their first unborn child. Wife says "he drives all the time high, quit being a BT (Bad Trip)" husband is super annoyed with me for criticizing his driving, regardless if I was uneasy or not. My thought process was "it smells like pot, wife has a glass of vodka open in the car, and husband is high." I just didn't want to be arrested. Though now that I think about it, it would have made a cool picture.
I shut up and make sure my seat belt is tight.
We get to SLC and husband starts getting angry with me because I'm not paying attention to where he needs to go. Wife is in the middle of a story and I have to interrupt her to give directions, she looks at me like I've offended her and then husband is annoyed with me for not listening to her story and makes her tell it again. By this time we're in the neighborhood by the capitol building and there is snow and steep hills. I'm really uneasy, but also afraid of mentioning the driving thing so I beg him to just let me drive and I'll get us there. He wont let me, keeps driving so I just hand my phone with directions to wife. He then praises his wife repeatedly for giving him directions and how amazing she is for knowing how to get them to parking etc. She was reading the directions from my phone.

We get to the conference center and they are in full blown narcissistic co-dependent bliss. They exist in their world only and I feel like a burden. It takes almost 15 minutes just to get out of the car because they're so high and drunk they keep getting distracted ( I did take pictures and video just in case I died, they were borderline incoherent). It's cold out, she is wearing my coat and my boots because she didn't have any warm clothes so I gave her mine. It's okay, I have my hiking shoes and I doubled up on sweaters, but it's still chilly. We finally get out and head over to the conference center to try and find a bathroom, by this time its about 930 and they're closed. Husband and wife get annoyed with me because they need to pee but they wont listen to me so I start crossing the street. We have exactly 8 seconds to cross so you gotta jog a bit. My intention was to lead them to the other side where the mall is to find a bathroom there.
Once we crossed husband looks at me and has the most hateful angry face I've ever seen. He spits "well that was an adventure" and he's pissed I made them cross the street so fast. Whatever move on! We need to get you to a bathroom, I'm starting to get really anxious because of the unnecessary anger and agitation.

Side note: I was raised in an abusive household, my whole life I've been trained to monitor expressions, body language and tone of voice. It's a survival technique that I've been mastering since I was a toddler. I know when people are mad, and I especially know when they're about to blow. When people that I love get upset with me that's my trigger, most of my friends know about my mental illness and are very supportive. Husband and wife knew as well, and they used it to their advantage during the few times I had issues.

I cant help but stop at the reflection pool, my new phone is waterproof and I had been wanting to take a shot of the lights under water. I've been thinking of it for weeks, I was pretty determined. I stopped and I took exactly 3 pictures and I heard them both cackling loudly behind me.

Now my big ol butt was in the air, I'd laugh too honestly. So I turned around and jokingly said "are you guys laughing about me?" expecting a "heck yes we are, your butt is in the air hahahaha"  but instead they got incredibly defensive and immediately told me I was overreacting and making stuff up. I started to shake, the body language and facial expressions were telling me they were above and beyond annoyed with me for many reasons, some of which I'm not aware of. I start to have a panic attack because I feel incredibly vulnerable and exposed, they can see me boiling over and trying to explain my actions. Husband comes over to me and leans in and says "you're imagining things" then in a flurry my mind goes dark, my heart closes my throat pinches shut. I'm holding back tears, I'm scared, my heart is beating fast and furious, I want Andrew, Catherine, Amy, my last bishop who I didn't like, I don't care, anyone but these two. I have no where to go, and they're now both in my face telling me I'm causing a scene and imagining them being upset with me. I can see in their eyes and actions that they are enjoying making me upset, its evil and visceral and in that moment they were no longer beautiful, interesting or my friends. There was no compassion, no love or kindness. I'm now in fight or flight survival mode and I have to get out of the situation and take a breath. I try to leave and they're still trying to escalate my situation, honestly this is the part that's hazy for me. I vaguely remember both of them towering over me furiously bullying, and I finally just take off and find a little garden alcove where I sit and cry for a few minutes digesting what just happened.

After the nice couple found me and offered me a ride home I took it. I was safe, they were young and about to be engaged they had just done a temple session. I offered them a free engagement session for bringing me home, I hope they take me up on it. I texted and called husband and wife around 10 pm letting them know I'd ran into friends and will be going home with them. We parted ways for almost 2 days.

Dec 29 2018

Saturday morning was GORGEOUS. The snow was backlit by the sunrise and it was just too good not to shoot. Wife had texted briefly that she needed husbands charger (he left it in my car days earlier) I went out to get it and told another neighbor that I was getting husbands charger. He heard his name and assumed I was talking bad about him. NOW. To his defense I totally was, just not at that moment, and I didn't go into detail just a quick "hey we're fighting, just a heads up" but he thought I was straight up gossiping which...I was, just not right then.

I bring the charger up and set it on the chair by the door and I get my camera. I'm shooting outside for a minute and wife opens her window and yells at me "Laura, if you're going to bitch, do it quietly" I just said OK not really knowing what she was talking about because I was quiet, also I was pretty amazed at the acoustics of our place.  I head inside.

With in a minute husband is pounding on my door. I open it and can see he's pissed again, its the first time we've talked since the other night.

He starts screaming at me: "DO NOT TALK ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK YOU PSYCHOTIC BITCH" was the gist, there was lots of screaming and yelling, I vaguely remember him yelling at me about how much they love me and all that they've done for me. It went on for a few mins but I eventually tuned it out when Andrew came in. He wrapped me up in his arms and held me while husband yelled and spat. Andrew does very well in high strung emotional situations like that, he didn't say a word, only hugged me. Andrew later told me he didn't care about anyone else but me, I'm so thankful for my sweet emotional stone of a husband.

Wife comes and looks pretty pissed at me again, and I mouth to her "I know your secrets get in here now" she eventually does and I try to tell her what happened to me. She starts shaking her head and says "everything you say is bullshit, that's not what happened, we love you and you always freak out we can never make you happy etc. oh and by the way roommate doesn't like being with you because you're too loud and you embarrass him"  I have to admit that one hurt because I was really trying to include the roommate in traditions and be welcoming. She knows that I had love for him as well, and was trying to hurt me.
At this point I realized there was no reasoning with her or him, Andrew saw it first hand, and told me I'm not crazy, and my perception of them is right. She always brings the conversation to her, her feelings her perception and it's always right no matter what. She wasn't interested in what I had to say, and I'm half wondering if her husband has gas-lighted her as well. That's dangerous and I'm grateful I was able to see it for what it was.

I'm going through something pretty deep right now in my life, I'm figuring out my spiritual gift, which avenue of spirituality, how to be a better wife and business owner. I'm trying to control my mental illness with meds and meditation. My intentions are always going to be love based, even though love can sometimes be negative. In this case it was, my love had a negative affect on these people and they hate me for it, I hate myself for it too, I feel like I should know better. Also since they're middle eastern I wonder if a lot of it was miscommunication and they did not get my humor. Seriously, I'm funny AF and a bit sarcastic that just didn't fly well for them.

I'm done. 100% with these people. I'm quite good at ignoring people I don't like so I'm not worried we share a wall, I'm grateful we have a wall! But we do share a porch, and parking so I'll run into them eventually. Hopefully by then I'll be stronger mentally and will be able to handle any interactions.


Also

Don't do drugs.

Oh and alcohol.

I'm keeping the piercing.

Why I Stopped Going to Church

If I were reading this blog about one of my friends, the title would have made my heart sink. I was always sad when someone I knew left the church, if I'm honest I still am, this isn't an easy decision. I'm sad because I know what it must have taken to admit to oneself that this isn't the life or spiritual path for them. When I say "church" I mean The Church of Latter Day Saints. Everyone who leaves has a reason; it's rarely a sudden decision, and it's heart breaking for those involved along with family and friends.

I converted to the church when I was 18, at the time I needed guidance, fresh out of high school and madly in love with my best friend who was leaving for his mission (I had no idea what it was about), but he always seemed to have his life together. I admired him because not only was he handsome, but kind, funny, and completely different from what I was used to at home. At my house there were a lot of drugs, alcohol, arrests, unsavory people coming in and out of the house all day, and mental and physical abuse. It was literally all I knew. There, of course, were good times; my parents always made sure we had food, and utilities were paid on time; we always had a good Christmas. But I had to endure things like watching my dad get arrested a few times, even picking him up from jail. I'm pretty sure he's on a first name basis with the Kingman Police department at this point. My mother dealt with crippling (mostly untreated) mental illness along with all the problems of the family which she vocalized to me. My whole life I knew our financial situation, why my dad was in jail again, rumors about the family, etc... It was kind of a toxic environment. So when the church found me I needed it; I needed it to rise above my situation and become the person I am today.

After I was baptized, it was a whole new spiritual world and I thrived. I was a follower of the prophet, I knew God existed and I felt his unconditional love. Content with my new roles as future wife of a returned missionary (I was consistently told to not accept anything less) future homemaker, future child bearer,  I got a carnation every mothers day celebrating my womb even though it was vacant, and would remain that way. I could do all these wonderful things all the while contributing to the household income with my "side business" but my family would come first of course. All these things are wonderful, righteous desires! My life was to be dedicated to my family and my place in one of heavens kingdoms was mine,  if I followed all the rules and held on to the iron rod. I still have a little iron rod on my keychain I got from my baptism almost 20 years ago. Over the last 18+ years I have surrounded myself with mostly Mormons. I have a few friends that aren't LDS, some that are teetering on leaving, and some that are die hards forever. I love all of them regardless of where they are in life, and I think thats where the cracks in my foundation was started... Love ironically.
These last few years have been some of my most depressing years of my life. I believe it got much worse when my sweet friend Anne passing away a couple years ago, it was such a shock and we were close in age (and weight, which contributed to her passing) and it was a major wake up call. I wasn't depressed because she had passed away, not the whole time but it just started to make me look deeper in myself and figure out what was happening. Why was I so sad all the time? Why wasn't I working harder to be a better member of the church? I just kept procrastinating the inevitable.
This has nothing to do with Andrew, but with me. I have been unhappy with myself and in order to be happy with my spouse and life I had to make a life change.

Reason #1

I wasn't happy

The teachings of the church instilled a kind of thought process that if I apply all the teachings and church logic to every aspect of my life I will be happy, blessed and successful. If I pay tithes-I get blessings, if I go to the temple-I get blessings, if I go to church all 3 hours and embrace and fulfill my calling-I get blessings. If I don't do those things, I wont get blessings. Well I needed blessings so I did those things, and for most of my time in church it was great! I was getting blessings, more like seeing the positive in life but hey, if thats what it takes to tap into that happiness I'm all for it. I felt like I belonged and I had a great personality and a weird upbringing so I was interesting and different, which meant I made friends easily in my singles wards, as well as other wards I would visit. This block of time between ages 20-30 was magnificent, I was living the life of a good Mormon girl, and fulfilling all the requirements for living the gospel to the fullest.
The problem was when I wasn't living the gospel to it's fullest, I'm sure most of the members have been in this boat before. There are times where my faith wasn't good enough to pay tithes even though rent was due, or I hated my calling and was bitter about it, or I was depressed and couldn't make it to church functions and meetings. I started having a detrimental thought process of guilt, and worth issues. The more I fell away the more these thoughts would consistently run through my brain.

Things like-I'm not good enough to take the sacrament because I couldn't pay tithing this month, and I don't want to face the bishop so I wont go.
I confused happiness and success with worth, the culture teaches this unintentionally, though it's not doctrine it's definitely present. The idea that if you aren't living the gospel to it's fulness you aren't "worthless, just LESS WORTHY" seriously, I don't want to be considered less worthy because I'm making simple mistakes, it's my God given right! Think about it, if someone is having a hard time in life, don't you think..."I wonder if he/she is doing everything right spiritually?" I did initially but would try to change those thoughts to "we all have trials." But I know some people think that way, and it's hurtful. Also by that logic we are all less worthy because we are all sinners right? Right? I always heard "the Temple is for imperfect people" but the requirements to be able to attend were borderline perfection. So that was confusing sometimes.
I struggle with low self esteem in general, and because my entire identity centered around the church, every aspect of my life was hazed by these negative thoughts and spiritual interpretations. This is something I'm still working through and changing, I cannot feel guilty and cry every Sunday because I perceive I'm failing in life, God, family all these things only because I couldn't live up to the expectations of the church at that point in my life.
The idea that happiness will only come to you if you get married in the temple to a return missionary, have babies etc...as a woman this was my destiny regardless if I could have kids or not, I could always spend 30k and just adopt right? This is ludicrous and devalues women who can't have children, and who can't afford to adopt. Often I would feel disregarded and my opinions unvalued because I didn't have kids, because I didn't know how hard it was. I get it, I don't know what it's like, but I'm a woman and I needed to be valued in church even though I wasn't on the path to divine motherhood (I really respect mothers by the way, you guys are amazeballs.). Though I felt this way, it was probably my clouded perception. I had a lot of good women try to bring me back, visiting teachers that came every month and generally tried to lift me up.
For that I am grateful.



Reason #2

Social anxiety is a beast.

Saturday evenings consisted of keeping myself occupied by any means possible because I knew Sunday morning was going to be a battle. A battle of "I SHOULD GO, but I'm such a horrible person" and "I just can't today, I'm so weak" or " I can't pretend to be happy anymore, I'm so fake" or my personal favorite "I haven't prayed or read scriptures in a while, I'm not worthy".
When I did go it was agony for me, those of you who know me well know that I'm an empath. Empaths tend to be overstimulated by large groups of people simply because we absorb emotions. You know how sometimes you're really tired and grouchy, and the kid behind you is whiny and repeatedly kicking your pew, then the lady at the pulpit is having a emotional spiritual moment and you're desperate to know what she's saying but between the primary kids (which should be their own branch it's so big) and her sniffles you can't make it out. The older person in front of you is sleeping, another is coughing and I ALWAYS worry someone is going to vomit. Vomit is my worst fear. Anyway, all those emotions are just seeping in, this last ward was particularly difficult to me because we live in a heavily populated, low income area which is mostly new parents, students, etc.  The social anxiety isn't considered a good enough excuse, I tried to get my temple recommend a year ago because I love the Temple! It was one of the few places I felt I could meditate and worship in peace. But my bishop required me to come to church every Sunday for all 3 meetings for 2 months, (even though we had been attending regularly, but would skip the last 2 hours because of my anxiety) before he'd even discuss getting an interview. I couldn't do that to myself, the prospect was daunting and I had to find another way.

The day we decided to just stop

It was a Sunday morning, and I was crying in the kitchen again, my heart breaking again and again every week. I looked at my husband and I said "Please, I can't do this anymore, I don't want to be LDS anymore" and he just hugged me and said "ok" it was that very moment months ago that my life changed and I was able to take control of my thoughts. Andrew has his own reasons for not wanting to go anymore, I've tried to get him to piece it out and figure out why but he isn't like that. He makes a decision and he sticks with it. I'm so emotionally directed in my life, everything I do is entwangled in my emotions, so even though we decided to stop going, I still had heartbreak for a long time.

Repercussions

Well telling family and friends was like coming out of the friggin closet. When I told my father in law it was less than timely, we were talking about my business and he asked about church, and I literally blurted it out. He was driving, and had to pull over, at one point he barked "WHAT ELSE ARE YOU DOING ON SUNDAYS? IS THE BOOK OF MORMON ALL OF A SUDDEN NOT TRUE?" Some of you might find this negative, but I found it sweet... awww he's mad! When someone is upset with you they love you. My father-in-law is a wonderful, kind man and an unexpected father to me personally. I love you dad! I appreciate the love and effort you put into Andrew and I, you do it for all your kids (8), he really is amazing.

Andrew and I had to make a decision on whether or not to stay married because so much of what we based our foundation on was the gospel. This might sound weird, but long before we ever tied the knot Andrew told me he was gay. It's why we never really "dated" all those years we were friends. When we decided to date and get married we just knew it was supposed to be. We have been together for 9 years, married 6. Being in a mixed orientation marriage is not easy, I do not recommend it. Though Andrew and I are very much in love, and have a wonderful time together, I have to admit that having a husband not sexually attracted to me has been difficult. The negative in the marriage mostly is in my own mind, I've had to adapt so that we can live happily. To be completely honest, the sexual orientation thing is not the biggest problem for us. Mental illness, life changes and learning to grow with one another is the hardest...so normal stuff.

Some of you may be wondering why I'm airing out my dirty laundry. It's because you invested in me, you invest in my life whether you're my best friend or even just an acquaintance. I invest my time into you as well, I love "stalking" people I haven't seen in ages, happy for my friends expanding families new jobs etc. I figured a blog would be the best to really get to disclose my reasons, and I'm not expecting too much.

I still love the church, I want to attend church things like baptisms and blessings. I respect that those I love have a spiritual truth that they uphold, even if I can't. I have so many friends and family that are advocates of change in the church, things like equality and gay rights. I don't feel bad for quitting, I needed to take control of my mental health, unfortunately, I had to give up a huge part of my identity in the process.


Andrew and I still believe in God, but we are just finding a different path. I'm trying new things and stretching myself spiritually and organically. I'm letting my own spiritual path unfold before me and finding my own truth. I have found that if the path feels loving and free thats the path for me. Love, unconditional love. That's all I can offer and it's all I can hope for.

A Detailed Description of My Crappy Health Situation.

" You've been unfairly judged your whole life"

A couple of years ago I noticed I wasn't losing weight even though I was working my tail off, and eating well. I went in to the doctors, had bloodwork done, and I was diagnosed with insulin resistance, and put on a special diet that only lasted a summer. It was complicated! "You can only eat such and such grains on mondays and tuesdays, on wednesday's and thursday's we eat protein and veg only" yadda yadda, I felt like I was part of a mean girl clique. I didn't want to have to monitor my eating so closely, plus I was annoyed because I became that person who could only eat certain things. I just figured I would eat less and work out and be done with the high stress eating. So that was short lived, but over the course of the last year, mostly this last summer, I noticed my energy levels had gone way way down. I was supposed to be working on marketing and getting my photography business more business, but instead I was sleeping away most of the summer. Then my good friend Anne passed away on July 1 and the rest of the summer was pretty much all grieving in a bittersweet kind of way. There were sweet moments, and the beauty of summer, but the sting of death coupled with the realization that I wouldn't be laughing with Anne anymore...in the flesh anyway, was a lot to process.

Starting school in the fall of my last year of college, I knew I needed to step it up a notch. BUT I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE ENERGY. I was so frustrated, I needed to get so much done for my BFA and take the dreaded math class. I ended up not passing my BFA class (it's currently on hold) and the only class I need to graduate is math, but I barely have a game plan at this point.

I love school. I love it so much. I enjoy learning new and interesting things, and having sophisticated discussions about art, and why we do what we do. I love working in the darkroom and helping students with their assignments and I feel honored that they ask for my opinion on their compositions and techniques. I want to teach someday! I love photography and would love to work someday for UVU or any other college. I've even been thinking about a masters, or having my own studio with cute decorations and all the things I need for perfect lighting etc. I could take pictures of cute babies and toddlers for a career! I can do anything! I have dreams people! BIG ONES. I want to be successful, because that's who I am.

However. These last few months have been so, so difficult. I can only describe it as being in a dark mental sea of inertia, where I'm literally just living. I'm going through the daily motions of life, I smile, I eat, I sleep, I wake. But there's not much else. The days blur together, I cancel plans with friends and I don't go to parties that I say I'm going to. I haven't taken a proper picture for myself since christmas, I had a dream that my camera was covered in dust and I was working in some job I hated paying bills with meager earnings.

I have a hard time sleeping often, and Andrew tries to help me sleep by having me close my eyes and think of the ocean, he imagines my ocean for me, full of life and color. But in my mind's eye it's deep, dark and I'm on the bottom of the marianas trench, 7 miles down. I'm sitting legs crossed, hair floating above me, no light, no life, and it's silent. That is my peace, and it's usually not like that.

I knew something was wrong, I couldn't breathe right, I'm so sad, I haven't laughed hard lately. Anytime I went anywhere I'm huffing puffing, and then I'm completely drained of energy. I've been sleeping for 12+ hours a day and I'm still exhausted, and I've been bleeding (period, sorry) for 3 months straight, this last month was so heavy I thought I'd have to go to the emergency room. Something was wrong, seriously wrong so I had some blood work done and I got my results today.

She checked my thyroid which wasn't checked last time. Turns out I'm incredibly low on all levels of everything.

Hypothyroidism, she says. My body isn't making enough hormones and that's why I'm bleeding uncontrollably, and I'm so anemic from the excess bleeding, my red blood cells are so irregularly shaped I'm at a high risk of a friggin stroke!?
SERIOUSLY!?
WTF.

In addition to my depression issues, just a few symptoms as of late:


Hypothyroidism

• Fatigue
• Increased sensitivity to cold
• Constipation
• Dry skin
• Weight gain
• Puffy face
• Hoarseness
• Muscle weakness
• Elevated blood cholesterol level
• Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness
• Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints
• Heavier than normal or irregular menstrual periods
• Slowed heart rate
• Depression
• Impaired memory

Anemia: 

• Easy fatigue and loss of energy
• Unusually rapid heart beat, particularly with exercise
• Shortness of breath and headache particularly with exercise
• Difficulty concentrating
• Dizziness
• Pale skin
• Leg cramping
• Insomnia

Basically all the things that make a girl feel smart and pretty. 

Though the best part of this crappy situation is that the effects of the hypothyroidism is not my fault. I have had no control over this situation, and it's not actually flaws in my character. Which for a long time I was so convinced I was turning into a lazy stupid person. 

My inner thoughts lately-
 "you're so stupid Laura, just go to the gym, just stop eating, just stop being dumb, you're so slow, are you an idiot? Can't you see you're so lazy you're becoming a fat stupid person" 
Especially in the last few weeks I have felt so lazy and stupid. I can't make connections, and I'm too tired to exercise, so I feel slothful and even more crappy about myself. I know it sounds horrible. Because it is! Hopefully those horrible thoughts will subside but I'm thinking medicine won't take care of that.

The good news is that I'm now on a better set of medications, and I literally have to double up on birth control because even though I've been on a normal dose for 2 weeks, because I'm still bleeding I need more hormones to make my body stop. Heaven help my husband! 

I know I'm a big woman, those of you who see big women, please please please don't make assumptions about their exercise and eating habits. I can't tell you how many times in the last year I've heard from friends and family "just go out for a walk" or " eat less, move more it's science!" though I appreciate the sentiment, I already knew that I needed to do those things, and I only really felt worse about myself.

I really hope that I can at least get my energy back, if I can do that I can do the rest of the work. I want to be healthy so bad! So wish me luck!

Craziest Weekend Ever.

A week ago my friend Valor and I were in class and she was talking about convincing her husband to go to capitol reef national park for the weekend. I understood this because I often have to convince my husband to do random adventures as well. So I chimed in and said "lets just go, we can split the cost of the trip and get some awesome pictures"

Saturday morning Valor picked me up and we headed down to Capitol Reef, the 3 hour drive was uneventful until Salina.

I noticed I had quite a few calls from my sister and dad, and I knew something was wrong.

This is the part where it gets personal-

My father called my sister Emily and I and informed us that he had taken 50 Valium and was drinking a bottle of vodka, he was committing suicide and wanted to say goodbye. My sister called me in a panic " this is beyond my maturity level, you're the oldest you need to deal with this" I was quite calm and not really freaking out which is odd. Maybe it's the new meds, anyway Valor and I had stopped at a funky antique store and was looking around, so I had a little reception and was able to deal with it.
I called my dad immediately and talked with him, he was feeling hopeless and sounded absolutely out of it. I tried to get him to go and throw up the meds but he refused. (back story) My mom left my dad about 6 months ago and both my sister and I are REALLY bad at calling my dad often. I did see him a month ago and he seemed to be doing well, but he's apparently a good actor. I had no idea he was feeling this way.

I told my dad I loved him and that I would be calling him back, I called the Kingman police and sent over help. In my gut I knew he'd be okay, so this might sound a little cold...but we decided to keep going. At that point I felt I really needed to just immerse in photography in a secluded space. I have dealt with both parents breakdowns my whole life, and I have had to distance myself in order to keep my own sanity. I cannot be responsible for their actions anymore. It was a hard place to be, but I feel like I have mastered that for my own mental health. I love my parents and I'm proud of my mom for getting out when she did and making her life better.

*update* My dad is fine, although he will need to be admitted to an assisted living facility he will get the help he needs. My mom drove to Kingman from Texas and is dealing with all the house stuff now.

We arrived in Capitol reef around 4 ish checked into our really weird hotel and headed out to the park.

The first night was great! Adventurous and we were able to shoot some amazing places.

The second day we headed out to Cathedral Valley and shot all around that location.

I can't quite figure out where, but we took a wrong turn and thought because of the dry conditions we would end up at the 72 then head over to the 70 then to I15. But we ended up on a snowy mountain and in retrospect we shouldn't have ignored the first patch of snow. The second patch was much worse and when we tried to plow through, the back tires half in mud and half in snow, just started sliding towards the edge of the road. Which was about a 100 ft drop on the side. We tried digging out the truck, adding dry dirt and rocks, but when Valor tried driving out I was utterly terrified that I would have to watch her fall over the cliff. I'm glad we had enough sense to stop what we were doing and try and contact help.  We hadn't had service the whole time we were in the canyon, but a short hike up the mountain gave me 4 bars, and I called Andrew (my sanity) and that definitely helped me through the next few hours. We ended up calling 911 and they were able to get a GPS off my phone, I had to keep calling every few hours and I was able to talk and text with Andrew. He was able to talk to Valors husband and concoct a plan to get us home.

Pano by Valor

We waited about 5 hours for Search and Rescue to get to us. They advised us to build a fire to help them find us, getting enough dry brush was frustrating because it burned so quickly. Sage brush was hard to pull from the mountain and I was so exhausted from hiking up and down looking for burnable material. The wait was probably the worst, we couldn't really get back into the truck because it was tipping. It wasn't too cold (about 40) but my feet were wet and emotions were running high between Valor and I. Valor was pretty upset because we were in her husbands truck, and we really didn't know if they were going to charge us to get us out and what the cost of a tow would be. I was ready to just get out of there and told Andrew to come get me from Loa, which pissed Valor off (with good reason, I was being an A-hole) but she was right, I shouldn't leave my friend behind in a strange town. That was pretty stressful because we're both tired and stressed, and ready to be home.

Search and rescue came and they were our hero's! They tried to see if they could get the truck back on the road but we had to leave it on the mountain and get a tow up there the next day.

 We got back to Loa really late, Andrew was there waiting and we all decided to head back home and Valor's husband would pick her up at our place. Even though she had to drive back down the next day I feel like that was the best decision, we needed our husbands to chill us both out. It turned out much better than expected, I feel that we both learned a valuable lesson about traveling in the back country. I think we both will think differently about the risks we take and the consequences that may follow. I'm just happy we're home safe. As for Capitol Reef, I was worried I would associate the park with the experience but in reality, I can't wait to go back.

San Diego Safari Park

Andrew and I went to Murrieta to visit/work with his dad and get some much needed travel time in. I shot a bunch of photos for his doctors offices, which was surprisingly hard and long but I was able to push myself in an area where I'm rarely shooting. Indoors, strangers, variable light sources and limited lighting equipment. I think they turned out okay, hopefully everyone else does too.

After our work was done we went to the Safari Park in San Diego, I took a lot of pictures but I didn't like most of them because of light issues (middle of the day) But these are the ones I  really loved.


Not dead, just lazy!  Meerkats.

EPIC!

Prey off in the distance

This flower was so brightly colored it was out of gamut for both my camera and computer. I had to desaturated it to look semi normal.