OK then...

SO it's been a couple of weeks since my last blog, I've been incredibly busy with school and the Thanksgiving holiday. Wrapping up this semester is all I can think about, the next week or so will be hard but I am looking forward to it being over! It's been an emotional roller coaster.

I haven't felt like blogging either, I'm still dealing with the emotional whirlwind that continues to blow relentlessly. Things will be changing drastically in the next couple of month because I have to move, SUMMER'S GETTING MARRIED!! Out of the blue...kind of. I have accepted it and I am trying to support her where I can. Though it's hard because she is like a sister to me and I only have her happiness in mind, so if falling off the deep end makes her happy so be it. When I finally meet someone to marry you can tease me about my marriage logic later.

I mostly didn't want to blog because of lack of pictures to post. I love posting visual aids, but film is expensive, and I have other things to buy....like cat toys, and cranberries, and Jones soda's that I drop and break all over Smiths on Thanksgiving day.

I am dropping off film tomorrow.

It's really cold.

I will have pictures to post soon.

Re-searching

This past week has probably been one of them most influential ongoing moments of my life thus far. It changed me I'm sure, I laughed, I wept, I got mad, I got jealous, I was lost and now I have been reset. Kind of like when you're using a blow dryer and all of a sudden the breaker pops and you have to re-set in order for things to work again. Life was hum drum, I worked hard and everyday I felt like a drone, working endlessly for some ultimate end I had no real sight of. I would spend time with Momma Carr when I could, snuggling in bed with her and watching her sleep, or listening in on her and Summers conversations. About 2 months ago I remember coming home and she was sitting on the bed and going through her wedding photo album, she had some lace from her wedding dress tucked away in there and we was handling it with love, I felt like a child watching her because I don't know what it's like to be 72 and be married for so long. I would sneak kisses and hugs when I could, and talk with her and check up on her if someone wasn't home which was rare, they were always there for her. Then she started to sleep a lot more a few weeks ago.

Then the family came.
That's when I knew something was up, for two weeks we had anywhere from 15 to 30 people in the house all day, at times 19 of them were children. It was utter chaos, but there was a closeness that came with it as we would gather around Momma Carr and whisper our I love yous.  The day before she died I was able to have some alone time with her, I told her I loved her and in breathy words she told me she loved me as well. At the end when we all crowded around her to watch her final breaths on Sunday, I couldn't help feeling like I was witnessing something so grand, I was witnessing a woman who lived the gospel to the fullest, she loved everyone she met, and was interested in everything they were, I was witnessing her leave this earth to live with our Heavenly Father again. I will never doubt eternal life, I will never think there isn't anything for us after seeing her leave. It was incredible.

Moving on

Pappa Carr is doing awesome, the funeral was gorgeous and hundreds showed up on Friday. On Friday night I was so tired I couldn't barely move, I hung out with sweet Chloe (age 3) we painted and fed Trixie ALL of her treats. Then I slept. I slept all weekend, all day Saturday and all day Sunday. It was hard waking up today for work but I did it. Last night during my couple hours of being awake I had went downstairs for dinner with the Smith's ( a couple from New Zealand) Dad, Summy, and her squeeze David. We were eating some of the numerous leftovers we have and I noticed Momma Carr's death certificate on the fridge next to the grand kid's art work, I had to chuckle, that's so Pappa Carr. Pappa Carr is so happy, even though he misses Momma Carr I think he's keeping busy with yard work and visiting with the kiwi's, I was worried he wouldn't whistle anymore, but that hasn't been a problem.

Me too!

I'm moving on, it's hard work though. I am purposefully laughing harder and acting crazy, like today when I almost wrote "genitals" instead of "generals", and it's better when I'm around people and at school. Even though I have sworn off McDonald's food, in the name of research I got a McRib and I am regretting it. But I will have a good couple of paragraphs about the American value of conforming when it comes to the American Lunch! I will try to make this paper funny, and I might post it for you all to read. My room is destroyed and Trixie is much much fatter, so am I (I think) all that comfort food is taking a toll! But no worries I signed up for racquetball next semester and thinking of taking a Yoga class, I feel that if I can incorporate my workouts into school I'll have a better chance at staying fit. I can't wait for this semester to be over! I have most of my art classes all arranged and ready to go, I think things will be looking up soon, who knows maybe I will too.

gone

Momma Carr left today. I hated being there for her last breaths, they came slowly and we sang songs. Her bedroom was so full it was standing room only. We were all crying as she left, it was incredible and so sad. It was strange to watch her chest rise and fall, then stop. Life is going on as normal now, 2 hours later it's crazy! There are phone calls to the mortuary and dinner is being made, jokes are being thrown. I never thought that death could be like this, exciting and sullen. The emotions are strange and new, I am happy that heavenly father has had me experience this.

good bye's

Momma Carr has days to hours left, the whole family is here and there is a feel in the air. I haven't blogged about it in a while because I am having a hard time dealing with all the changes and watching her die slowly. She adds such a spirit to the house and not to mention keeps things in order. I had to say my good byes this morning privately because I can't cry in front of other people. I confessed some things to her and cried hard, mostly sweet memories I had of her. I remember in a blog some time ago announcing my biggest fears one of them being having someone close to me passing away, shortly after Momma Carr was diagnosed and the process started.
She had helped me and listened to me when I had a bad day, my favorite was coming home and telling her all about my day or a date I had been on. She loved my friends and always was so supportive of me. I was forced to deal by friend and an intervention a few days ago, since then I have been able to function more healthily than before. There are always people stopping by now and then to say their good byes as well, and cards and roses and FOOD! So much food, I'm not complaining it's all delicious. I am thankful for the humor, and I am surprised by the laughter. I am grateful for the few people who have been bearing the brunt of my emotional neediness (Andrew mostly) Thank you for letting me come over and cry on your shoulders and play wii for hours and eat chocolate pudding to my hearts content (Rob and J'ness).

I will miss her, so much. She told me she loved me today

Glory Bound

When I hear that trumpet sound
I will lay my burdens down
I will lay them deep into the ground
Then I'll know that I am glory bound

I'll be travelling far from home
But I won't be looking for to roam
I'll be crossing o'er the great divide
In a better home soon I will reside

Hallelujah

When I'm in my resting place
I'll look on my mother's face
Never more will I have to know
All the loneliness that plagues me so

So I'm waiting for that train to come
And I know where she's coming from
Listen can you hear her on the track
When I board I won't be looking back

Lost and Found

Skoticus and Andrew found an old camera with film still in it, and a few pictures left. Naturally they gave it to me and I finished it off. The guy who owned it before...well I don't know what his intentions were, but the pictures are of random things....like yards, and ice. Still intriguing!

The first half are ones taken by me or Scott...the hairy legs aren't mine FYI   ;)

The rest are the other guy....

This house above and on the left, was in habited by friends of mine at one point! And later another friend, Lianne!

Punkins!

Holga Prints.

Here are my Holga prints taken with my HOLGA (duh) 120 film vivid color speed 400.

The following: Fall, mountains and friends.

Light Painting

Over exposed boy scout.

My boys, under-exposed

First snow

School